LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – OCTOBER 26: Lina Wertmuller poses with the Oscar of Dino de Laurentiis at the Honorary Oscar Lina Wertmuller’s Celebration Lunch Hosted By Martha De Laurentiis With Genoma Films And Sardinia Film Commission on October 26, 2019 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Daniele Venturelli/Daniele Venturelli/WireImage )
The first woman to ever be nominated for an Oscar for Best Director is finally getting her long-overdue recognition. Lina Wertmüller, first nominated in 1977 for her film Seven Beauties, is one of only five women to ever be nominated for the prestigious award since the award was created in 1927. This weekend, Wertmüller was given an honorary Academy Award at this year’s Governors Awards.
In an interview with the Associated Press, Wertmüller was surprised to hear that she was one of only five women who have been nominated for Best Director alongside Jane Campion for The Piano, Sofia Coppola for Lost in Translation, Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker, and Greta Gerwig for Lady Bird. Out of that short list of women, Bigelow is the only woman who won.
“I didn’t even know,” said Wertmüller. “I’m obviously very happy and proud and full of admiration but five is too few. There should be a lot more.”
Her film Seven Beauties caught the attention of Hollywood and the Academy. Wertmüller didn’t win the award. Instead, Best Director went to John G. Avildsen for Rocky, but Wertmüller didn’t pay much attention to whether she won awards. “Lina never gave too much importance to awards,” Wertmüller’s biographer, Valerio Ruiz, said to the AP. “She left that for other people to talk about.”
As a protégé of Italian director Federico Fellini, Wertmüller began her career in film assisting him on his films before writing and directing her own in the early ’60s. Fellini became more than a mentor. He believed in Wertmüller’s talent and provided the crew for her first film, The Lizards.
“Because I have been able to be myself, I’ve been able to make the kind of films that I did,” Wertmüller said to the Los Angeles Times. “When this could happen, and somebody didn’t want to support one of [my] ideas, I would move on and go to another producer or go find another way to make the film.”
Wertmüller directed a series of notable films in the ‘70s, including Seven Beauties, The Seduction of Mimi, Love and Anarchy, and Swept Away. The latter was remade in 2002 by director Guy Ritchie, who cast Madonna as the starring role.
After a brief stint directing in the U.S., Wertmüller returned to Italy, where she continues to write and direct films. Her career spans more than 50 years. In honour of her Academy Award recognition, Wertmüller’s first film, The Lizards, will be shown for the first time in the US at the TCL Chinese Theatre in Los Angeles.
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Madame Gandhi drops a new album and a new video today, both of which are worth checking out. We spend a lot of time talking about distractions in today’s political climate and that’s just what Gandhi addresses here; the song is all about tuning out the b.s. to do the work you care about. On a deeper level, it’s about women inspiring women by doing the work — you can’t be what you can’t see, right?
Wafia “Flowers & Superpowers”
For those who’d rather top knot, turn down, Wafia is back with the first single from her upcoming album. The song is inspired by a night on edibles that turned her into a motormouth and the fine folks who loved her even when she was her most Tahani on The Good Place (read: unlikable!) self. It’s a tranquil, chill meditation on acceptance that will put you in your own good place.
Juana Molina “Paraguaya Punk”
Juana Molina is a bad bitch whose music always takes me by surprise. I am very down with her exploration of rock and punk in this track, off her new Forfun EP. The vibe was inspired by the time Molina and her band found themselves on stage at a festival without their usual instruments and had to improvise — which is hella punk. The controlled chaos at work here is infectious and cool as hell.
Good Girl “Misery”
This Philly quartet are about to become your new favourite thing. Arielle, Bobbie, JL, and Megan combine their voices and bring the concept of an R&B girl group into the present with Soundcloud-inspired vibes and cloudy days.
Listen to every great new song from up-and-coming artists I love in 2019 below.
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Protests continue to grip Spain's north-eastern region as more marches took over central Barcelona at the weekend.
Some 350,000 protesters rallied in Barcelona on Saturday marching against the conviction of nine Catalan politicians, turning the streets into a sea of Catalan independence flags following weeks of protests since the Supreme Court handed down its verdict on the 14th October. Spain's Supreme court acquitted nine Catalan separatist leaders of violent rebellion but convicted them of sedition (speech inciting people to rebel against a state), misuse of public funds and disobedience.
The pro-independent leaders received sentences of between nine and 13 years for their role in an independence referendum in 2017 which was declared illegal by the Spanish courts. All 12 have denied the charges. What has followed are some of the most violent clashes in the independence movement.
The rally, which was organised by the ANC and Omnium Central, the region's biggest grassroots organisation, saw thousands of protesters gather around the city's Sagradia Familia basilica and at the waterfront. Protests have erupted in cities such as Barcelona, Lleida, Tarragona and Girona. Last week saw more than 500,000 protestors conduct a peaceful protest in Barcelona before violence and riots erupted at night.
Catalonia's independence is a highly divisive subject in the region, with polls in July showing 46.7% in favour and 44.9% against. Many Catalonians are seeking independence from Spain and have called for a second referendum vote following the failed attempt in 2017, when Madrid imposed a direct rule on the region shortly after. It is the country's biggest political crisis since democracy was restored in 1975, following the death of military dictator General Francisco Franco.
We spoke to some of the women who have been out protesting for their future and asked them what it meant to them.
Here's what they had to say...Carme, 33 is a digital designer and lives in Barcelona.
I'm protesting because I think it is it is an unfair sentence because the Spanish government use Spanish justice as a political weapon and for revenge. This is the only way to make a change. If we don't protest for those unfairly convicted, then they will continue their unfair actions not just in the Catalan conflict but all over Spain. I feel sorry for people that don't see the government's actions as unjust.
In the last few days I have been protesting against the violence the police took against protesters every day. They should have the right to protest, not turn the demonstration into a battle camp. Police are meant to be there to serve and protect.
I hope to change the unfair sentence of the nine Catalan politicians, change the way that police act against our democratic rights and to avoid violence. I want both the Spanish government and Catalan government to talk and find a solution.
Gina, 26, is a historian and writer living in Barcelona.
Catalonia feels battered by Spanish governments. We have a different language, history and culture, and a lot of people feel like we're living in a different country. The Spanish government refuses to talk and understand what the people in Catalonia need. We need a solution like a referendum.
I am protesting for the unfair conviction of the nine Catalan politicians because I want them to be free. I want to vote for the independence of Catalan, like the referendum of Scotland. But sadly, I do not have any hope. I don't think Spain will answer what the people want, they only want to repress us.
When I'm out protesting, I don't feel alone, but I feel hope and terror at the same time. It's a strange feeling. I have hope when I see all these young people fighting but I also feel terror that politicians can see that we care but they don't want to do something about it. Jana, 18, is a student living in Girona.
I have been protesting with my friends and colleagues in both Girona and Barcelona in the demonstrations. We have been among a lot of people who went to the streets to defend their rights and the supposed democracy that they exercise in Spain.
It is clear that we cannot stand by while our rights and freedom of expression are taken away from us. I am not in favour of using violence as a mean to obtain rights, as it would only cause more chaos. I think we should protest and make ourselves seen and defend ourselves. We need to go outside and act. We Catalans have always protested peacefully.
I feel angry and helpless. In a democracy, there is every right to express your opinion and to fight for the ideology and politics that you think is more convenient. It is totally unfair and these events are misplaced in a democracy. What has led Catalonians to protest is not just wanting independence but fighting for basic rights we supposedly already have. Claudia, 23, is a content marketing manager living in Terrassa.
I am protesting because seven politicians and two social leaders have been sentenced to 100 years in prison. I am protesting against the way that the Spanish government not only ignores but steps all over the rights and desires of the Catalan people who just want to peacefully vote and decide our own future.
I think it is unbelievable that you can go to prison for doing your job as a politician and social leader, representing and fighting for what most Catalans want. It makes me truly ashamed and angry to have a justice system that is so corrupt and unfair.
I have been peacefully protesting during the day. But I do feel unsafe because police have been trying to dissolve the protest with violence.
What we are seeing right now is a new moment on the path to the independence of Catalonia. People are outraged, they are already breaking the crackdown on the craving for freedom in Catalonia, if not what is a great attack on Spanish democracy.
Speaking of independence for many people, including myself, is also talking about the rights of women, the environment, historical memory, health and education and many other things. It is talking about a legal framework that fits what is Catalonia and not a bad framework because it intends to include territories with many differences.
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Most of us can name at least one horror movie moment that shook us to our core. For me, it’s an early scene from The Ring, when a mother (Lindsay Frost) finds her daughter (Amber Tamblyn) — having watched the “killer videotape” exactly one week prior — horrifically unrecognisable; her face twisted and paralysed in a scream. The moment left me facing my own biggest fear: The idea that without warning, something so horrible and shocking could happen to someone you loved. The mother’s horror was suddenly mine.
The visceral nature of horror allows audiences to identify and empathise with the genre’s protagonists. In recent years, horror films that explore the interior lives of mothers, wives, and women coming-of-age have become some of the most unsettling. With only 31% of films having a woman protagonist, according to a 2018 report from the Centre for the Study of Women in Television and Film at San Diego State University, the more movies that prioritise a woman’s story — and give audiences a reason to care about her — the better.
To create horror is to have a passion for it — and you can’t create work that touches other people if you’re not aware of the things that once terrified you. The actors, writers, directors, and other women involved in creating the projects that scare you have moments from horror movies they, too, can’t get out of their head. In a series of interviews conducted over the phone, in person, and via email, Refinery29 spoke to women giving new life to the classic genre about the films that scared them most growing up, and why.
You may discover your next favourite film — or the a moment so frightening it keeps you up at night.
Ema Horvath
Ema Horvath stars in The Gallows Act II, the highly anticipated sequel of Blumhouse’s 2015 found footage movie. She will next appear in Quibi TV series Don’t Look Deeper.
Horror Movie That Still Scares Her: Scanners (1981)
“The premise is that there are these people called Scanners who can barely function because their minds are infiltrated by the thoughts of others. There’s one person who is a Scanner who has figured out how to use this strange gift to inflict pain on other people, and he’s building a race of Scanners who are going to take over the world. The horror of it, and the reason I love it, is because the horror is in having your mind infiltrated. In today’s culture there’s so much bombardment of information. The idea that all these thoughts can cause your head to explode, figuratively — [it’s scary.] The person who has the power is the person who controls the information flow.”
Leah Rachel is the creator of the Netflix horror series Chambers and the author of Love Street: Pulp Romance For Modern Women. She is currently developing a noir television series, as told through the female lens.
Horror Movie That Still Scares Her: The Witches (1990)
“I think the first time I saw Roald Dahl's The Witches it was like 1992, and I rented it with my cool babysitter at Highland Video in Akron, OH. The cover looked innocent enough. But by the end of that three-day rental I had watched it over five times, equal parts captivated, terrified, and turned on. The prosthetics and puppetry (done by Jim Henson) are visceral and ornate — and Anjelica Huston's portrayal of the ultimate woman of power is absolutely hypnotic. Pre-CGI, everything is tactile and alive, like some sort of paranoid fantasy. It's a movie you can touch and feel and smell.
“In my younger years, it haunted me with the stark reality that not everyone is who they seem. In my older years, the scenes of the witches having to gather in hiding to take off their socially acceptable clothes and faces to be who they really were felt like a passport into a world of dark, twisted, feminine liberation. It's meant many things to me at different times, but to this day, I am still terrified of mice, get squeamish about ordering soup at restaurants, and think about the Grand High Witch every time I get home, rip off my bra, and take off my makeup.”
Penka Kouneva is the composer on The CW’s Pandora, and has worked on films like The House With a Clock in its Walls, Flatliners, and The Devil’s Whisper.
Horror Movie That Still Scares Her: Stir of Echoes (1999)
“I have a life-long passion and genuine appreciation of the horror genre because of the multiple layers of meaning and storytelling going on, and also because musically, horror films are the richest most exciting playground for the composer.
“Before arriving to Hollywood, the scariest, most effective horror film for me was Stir of Echoes. It features the right balance between gripping storytelling, characters you deeply care about, a glimpse of gore, and ever-present dread. It unfolded slowly, peeling layers upon layers before delivering its sad and memorable climax. I've had the honour of scoring a handful of excellent and thought-provoking horror films as well: Midnight Movie — a mediation on trauma presented in the ‘possessed movie’ genre, and Devil's Whisper — on the evil choices humans make that affect children for the rest of their lives.”
“I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite now, but the first movie that really terrified me was Saw, which I think I saw in early high school. I didn’t really want to watch it, but I was hanging out with these kids who were cooler than me, and they were like, ‘Oh, this isn’t scary at all, this is dumb.’ They were acting tough about it, and I was so terrified.
“The ideology of [Saw killer] Jigsaw really got to me. In high school, I was super angsty. I was really depressed. I thought about suicide a lot. Here was this serial killer who preyed on that. I remember for several years after seeing Saw, if I said aloud something like, Ugh, I just want to die.’ I remember really quickly following it up with like, Actually though, my life is pretty good! Just as like this protection against Jigsaw. [The idea] that you’re not even safe in your thoughts that really got to me.”
If you are thinking about suicide, please contact Samaritans on 116 123. All calls are free and will be answered in confidence.
Horror Movie That Still Scares Her: Death Becomes Her (1992)
“Death Becomes Her may not make my pulse pound the way a movie like The Exorcist does, but the first time I watched it I had an incredibly visceral reaction to the horror-comedy. When Goldie Hawn gets a hole in her stomach, I had to turn the movie off because I started hysterically crying. The characters' willingness to do anything to stay young and desirable was so horrifying and upsetting to me, mainly because I didn't feel it was that far from reality.
“My own work is often concerned with women's competitive relationships with each other, the pressure to fit into a certain physical ideal, and the unrealistic expectations that are placed on women in general. Zemeckis used the genre to satirise the lengths women will go to fit into male-prescribed definitions of desirability to great effect. It's a movie that has stayed with me for years.”
Raelle Tucker is the creator of Facebook Watch series Sacred Lies and executive producer of series including True Blood, The Returned, and Jessica Jones.
Horror Movie That Still Scares Her: It Follows (2015)
“Don't let True Blood fool you – I’m a big baby when it comes to blood and gore. I’m covering my eyes and whimpering as soon as the scary music starts. But the first horror stories I remember being entranced by were the fairy tales I read as a kid – dark and terrifying allegories – warning us to stay out of the deep woods, and that the scariest monsters are often hiding in our own families. My favourite horror films function the same way as those fables – they use ‘monsters,’ human or otherwise, as a metaphor to talk about something frighteningly real.
“That’s why I was obsessed with It Follows – a beautifully shot and directed film about a sexually transmitted death curse that can only be escaped by passing it on to someone else. It taps into a primal fear inside all of us: intimacy. Letting someone inside you, which arguably bonds you to that person forever, can be downright terrifying. But we’ll never stop doing it – our survival instinct and our need to be loved will always override our fear. That’s why so many horrific tales start as love stories. It Follows' relentless, unkillable monster isn't particularly fast or smart, but it’s coming for you, forever, guaranteed – just like death itself. And our only hope for any kind of escape is through human connection. That’s scarier than any amount of guts and gore if you ask me!”
Carolina Costa was the second unit cinematographer on Luca Guadagnino’s 2018 remake of Suspiria. She is the director of photographer on upcoming horror film The Evil’s Heritage. She recently worked on Tinder's series Swipe Night.
Horror Movies That Still Scares Her: Possession (1981), Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
“Possession by Andrzej Zulawski iss one of those movies that it doesn’t matter how long ago you saw it, the feeling and the images are stuck in you. I still get nightmares sometimes. I watched it again recently as a reference for a feature and had to do so during the day because I knew if I saw it at night I wouldn’t be able to sleep. The performances and the camera work in this film jump out of the screen for me. When I watch it my whole body is tense. The camera moves with such violence, it genuinely incorporates the spirit of the possession. The performances are as visceral as enigmatic as they can be.
“Another of my favourite horror films is Bram Stoker’s Dracula. When it came out in 1992 I was too young to see it, so I waited for weeks for it to come out in Brazil. When it did, my mom had a chat with me and decided I couldn’t watch it. She said it had strong content and was not appropriate for such a young one. I cried for days. When it came out about a year later on VHS I went to the video store next to my house and convinced the guy that my mom said it was okay for me to watch it. I ran home and watched it twice in a row. I remember being in awe of the colours, costumes, and sets. I don’t think I understood the sexuality of the film, but I especially remember noticing when Mia and Dracula go to the movies and see the wolf. Even today, it's one of the most sexy scenes I’ve seen in movies. The opening with all the blood and crazy red costumes was so impactful that I was obsessed with the colour for a while and asked my mom to only buy me red T-shirts.”
Where To Watch: Buy or rent Posession onAmazon; Dracula is also available to rent or buy on Amazon
Carla Patullo
Carla Patullo is a composer, who recently scored the horror film Porno, which premiered at SXSW. She has also written music for the animated horror film Pizza Face (2017) and horror thriller Ice Queen (2005). She is currently working on a meditative horror album featuring Richard Brake and Jeff Steitzer.
Horror Movie That Still Scares Her: Misery (1990)
“I have so many favourite scary movies, but one of my top favourites is Misery. I think I love it so much not just because Kathy Bates is brilliant in it, but also because even though she's the villain, she is somehow relatable. She never lets the dark side of her character drop out, but there are moments when you sympathise with her loneliness and her crazy obsession. I have to admit that I have a little bit of an obsessive personality, so it’s really scary for me to watch a character like her take obsession to such a dark and horrific place. She’s a villain that you can relate to, and psychologically, that’s more terrifying than a villain that’s just destructive or out for blood.
“Also, my favourite horror and thriller films are the ones threaded with some good comedy, and the relationship between the characters in Misery as captor and prisoner is laced with a lot of funny banter. Their love/hate chemistry is fun to watch, and as it develops, it makes the scary moments even more intense. The ups and downs of comic relief combined with dramatic scares make this film a lot of fun to watch.”
Elizabeth Lail starred in Netflix’s thriller YOU and Freeform’s horror series Dead of Summer. Her horror film Countdown, about a dangerous app that tells users when they are going to die, is out October 25, 2019.
Horror Movie That Still Scares Her: Get Out (2017)
“It’s funny — I find horror films terrifying and difficult to watch and stomach. My favourite one is more of a psychological thriller — Get Out. It really resonates with me. With that movie, I remember being in the audience and just how visceral [everything felt.] It’s an incredible commentary on our time and race relations. It was so worthwhile to make on so many different levels. It’s one of the movies that has stayed with me. Every time I drive around in a suburb I’m like ‘Oh, this feels like the Get Out neighbourhood.’ It’s a classic for me.
Chelsea Stardust is the director of Satanic Panic and Blumhouse’s Into the Dark episode “All That We Destroy.”
Horror Movies That Still Scares Her: Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983), Night of the Living Dead (1968)
“My best friend showed me Disney's Something Wicked This Way Comes when I was in middle school. I was familiar with the book, though I had not read it at the time. I was blown away by the film. It perfectly captures the magical melancholy of the Midwest and New England’s autumnal season and the childhood glee that comes with it. I've also been obsessed with fairs and carnivals all my life, so when I saw that a Dark Carnival was a central theme in the film, I loved it even more.
“There were so many scary images, considering it was made for kids: the tarantula attack, Mr. Dark's torture of Tom Fury, and terrifying merry-go-round which fractures the fabric of time. Jonathan Pryce's performance as Mr. Dark is one of my favourites. And the two young actors who play Will Halloway and Jim Nightshade (great names, right?), are fantastic.
“My father showed me Night of the Living Dead when I was 10 years old, and I was forever changed. This is the film that made me want to be a horror film director. From the opening shot of a car driving along a rural road in Pennsylvania to the soul-crushing end credits, I was hypnotised by this black and white classic. It's also the first time I was aware of how a score could take hold of you, and how important it was in a horror film. The ending absolutely destroyed me the first saw it, and still does. We're spoiled with how many times our protagonists survive in horror films, and when they don't, it emotionally devastates us. I still can't watch this film alone but I look forward to revisiting it every year (with friends!).”
Where To Watch: Something Wicked This Way Comes is available on DVD via Amazon; Night of the Living Dead is available to rent on Amazon
Ginger Martini
Ginger Martini is the costume designer for Hulu’s Letterkenny and Netflix’s In The Tall Grass.
Horror Movie That Still Scares Her: Cabin In The Woods (2012)
“I love Cabin in the Woods. It’s smart, witty, and fun to watch. I love a twisted story, and Cabin in The Woods delivers. It has all the classic elements of the late ‘80s/early ‘90s horror films I grew up watching, but with an updated storyline and some genuinely funny moments tied into the action. It knows it’s cheesy and just steers right into it. (The boss finally getting to see the merman in action...be careful what you wish for!) The idea that [the characters] chose their own fate, but any choice would have brought about their deaths is unsettling. Looking at something everyone sees as fun and sweet [like the unicorn] and turning it into a monster is also so disturbing.”
From the high street’s colossal carbon footprint to the pressure and prejudice still rife on catwalks, billboards and magazine pages, we’re hearing a lot just now about fashion being broken. But what about the good stuff? There are times when clothes feel like a lifeline, or a coded language to help us better express who we are.
In BBC Sounds’ new podcast, Fashion Fix, model and activist Charli Howard unpicks the seams of modern fashion to find out more about the people changing the industry – and our wardrobes – for the better. Episode four brings us Bella McFadden, better known as @InternetGirl, the vintage trader, YouTuber and Depopper with more than half a million followers (and potential customers) hanging on her every outfit. A sustainable fashion advocate, more emo worrier than eco-warrior, McFadden specialises in ‘bundles’ of preowned and deadstock clothes and accessories to fit each buyer’s measurements and style brief. Want to be a “CEO goth freak”? A “glam pixie nymph” or “Early 00s sk8er girl”? She’s got you.
Internet Girl’s personal aesthetic is part cyber punk, part Manga cartoon, part teen witch and entirely Y2K cool. While those of us old enough to have craved lace-up hipster jeans, knee socks and vinyl corsets the first time around (ahem) might find the whole look a little too déjà vu, it’s pretty thrilling to know that the clothes we thought were fresh two decades ago are still going strong, long after our mum’s stockpile of millennium bug rations ran out. Many things are uncertain in this world, but here’s something you can rely on: fashion repeats itself. Cool kids will always pillage from the wardrobes of the past. And as time goes on, with fashion moving at the pace it currently does, there are more and more clothes to reclaim.
McFadden’s taste for secondhand garms didn’t spring out of nowhere. As she explains on Fashion Fix, it was the result of a lonely adolescence, struggling with mental illness and feeling isolated among her preppy peers.
“I didn’t really have a friend group and was very alienated,” McFadden says. “Until you find people who pick you up and make you feel good about yourself, it’s better to ride solo.” In lieu of those mates, she found fashion. “Clothes definitely changed my life. I always had clothes when I didn’t even have friends or anyone to rely on,” she tells Howard. “I would go to the thrift store and find something I loved when I didn’t have anyone to relate to in my real life.” It’s an age-old tale: the misfit kid seeking solace in the musty embrace of the thrift store or spinning themselves a new identity on a sewing machine. There’s a rich seam of these adorable fashion nerds running through popular culture. Think of Andie in Pretty in Pink, pining for Blane in her granny blouses and upcycled prom dress; Enid in Ghost World, with her comic book T-shirt and kitschy barrettes; and The Baby-Sitters Club‘s Claudia Kishi, with her homemade parrot earrings. And me in the mid ’00s, cripplingly self-conscious in so many ways yet determined to rock up to sixth form in a pillbox hat with a veil.
Like Bella, old clothes were my everything, growing up. From provincial charity shops to musty vintage warehouses to the finest ’70s polyester eBay had to offer, I would wear anything as long as it looked like I’d stepped out of a Jackie annual. Little did I know that in trying so hard to look different, I was joining a long tradition of sartorial refuseniks. The enigmatic social outcasts, the angsty bedroom poets, the misunderstood teens who hate everything except anachronistic tailoring – it’s a trope that defies trends and transcends decades. And it’s a paradox. If you feel like you don’t fit in, why would you choose clothes to make you stand out more?
“I sort of felt that if I was going to stick out anyway, then I could at least really go for it and make sure I was sticking out on my own terms,” says Misha, 27, who used to base her outfit choices on whatever elicited the loudest “what are you wearing?” from her family. “As a teenager in Coventry, pre-internet shopping, secondhand was the cheapest and easiest way to do that. It made me feel like I was being my own kind of cool.”
“I think the appeal of vintage for me as a teenager was that it set me apart from my peers,” agrees journalist Rosalind Jana. “I found it comforting to have this whole other sartorial persona outside of school.”
Creating a whole other persona, or multiple different personas, has to be one of the biggest reasons vintage clothes so often become a refuge for the teenage misfit. While your classmates are top-to-toe in identikit high street, rocking up at the party dressed as ‘Paulette, dolly bird with a dark side’ or ‘Margot, androgynous electro-jazz glockenspielist and possible Cold War spy’ might turn heads, but it can also be a shield to deflect comments and a disguise to bolster confidence. It’s not me they’re whispering about, it’s ‘Debbie does Disco’ in her lurex catsuit!
Adolescence is full of these contradictions. You love everything, and nothing. You long to be popular, even as you hate everything the popular kids stand for. You’re desperate to be noticed even as you wish no one would ever look at you again. “Oi, it’s 2006 not 1966!” a boy on a bike once yelled at me as I walked home through suburbia in a modette minidress, too-big pixie boots padded out with my dad’s hiking socks, and a skewwhiff beehive. I’ve never been simultaneously so ashamed and so proud.
“I was a tiny, dorky teenager. Vintage wasn’t cool when I started wearing ’70s denim bell-bottoms at 13, and everyone else aped the mons pubis-scraping waistbands of Christina and Britney,” says Alice, 31, who was in it as much for the bargains as the bravado. “The thrill of the hunt held kudos and, most importantly, it was cheap. I was hooked on setting the eBay search filters to 99p and seeing what got dredged up.”
When your budget doesn’t match that of your friends, fashion can be both curse and blessing. Fashion Fix’s second episode focuses on Emmanuel Enemokwu, founder of cult streetwear label JEHU-CAL. He launched the label when he was only 19, after a bullied adolescence at an affluent school, spent lusting after clothes he couldn’t afford. “When I was in high school I got picked on quite a lot and laughed at,” he tells Howard. But like every good teen movie, his underdog story has a satisfying ending. “A lot of the guys making jokes back then are now the ones that are buying my clothes,” he says. “So that’s a confidence boost, right there.”
We can’t all start a label from our bedroom, but that didn’t stop plenty of us trying. Like mine, Jana’s teen thrifting was virtually an extracurricular art project. “I loved teaching myself about all of the different decades and styles. It was a great way to also give myself some amateur expertise,” she says. “Every outfit was this weirdly meticulous arrangement of, like, five different layers of fabrics, complete with some costume jewellery on top.”
Those outfits were never just about an image. When you’re putting the time and energy into snaffling out vintage treasures, dusting off deadstock or crafting your own designer one-offs, it becomes about so much more than just getting dressed; it’s a hobby. And everyone needs a hobby. A labour of love that yields its own creative rewards, whatever the world thinks of your outfit. As McFadden puts it in Fashion Fix: “It’s really important to find what you feel passionate about. When you’re feeling down, you should focus that energy on something positive rather than being self-destructive.”
Perhaps we could use a bit more of that adolescent energy as adults. All too often it feels like we’re bound to a treadmill of trends, perpetually shopping to keep up with the cool girls in our offices and on our Instagram feeds. At what point did we let clothes become a prescription instead of a passion? When did sartorial weirdness stop being a point of pride?
I look back at teen me, in her tweed men’s waistcoat, paisley cravat and skirt made from old curtains with lyrics appliquéd around the hem (oh yes) and I envy her courage and conviction. She may not have known quite who she was yet, but she had so much fun figuring it out.
Fashion Fix is available every Friday on BBC Sounds.
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In the West, our diets are more varied (and more complicated) than ever. Unlike for the majority of human history, our nutrition is no longer dictated by what is immediately, geographically available to us. Instead, it is dictated by our taste, and whatever we pick up on a whim in Tesco Express: global produce that was once inaccessible, from bananas to avocados to quinoa. These foods have become a staple of modern, middle class, health-conscious diets – often without a second thought to how they got here. And more often than not, these items remain available and relatively fresh on our supermarket shelves at any time of year.
This may have broadened our palates but at a time when more people than ever are changing their diet for the sake of the planet, it's worth thinking about not only what we eat but how far it may have travelled to get here.
Eating 'seasonally' is a great way to start doing this. It may seem obvious, but food that can be homegrown at the time of year you're in doesn't have to travel as far to your plate, making it much more environmentally friendly. Happily it does not mean cutting yourself off from all the amazing ingredients we've grown accustomed to accessing in the UK – it just means reframing and focusing on what is tastiest, when it is tastiest.
Ahead, we've listed five of our favourite ingredients that are currently in season (and therefore at their most readily available AND delicious) in the UK. Many of these recipes also use other seasonal ingredients, making them even better for the environment.
Hopefully this can start to encourage you to think more locally about the way you cook and enjoy every mouthful along the way. If you're inspired, you can find a full list of what's in season at any time of year here.Apple
While our supermarket shelves may not prioritise them, there is a huge variety of UK grown apples to choose from this time of year. They may not always be as crisp as those heralding from New Zealand (see Jazz and Pink Lady) they are just as good, and good for you. Especially when made into a dessert like this one.
[LINK OUT CHECK OTHER STORY DESCRIPTION] https://cupfulofkale.com/vegan-cinnamon-apple-cake/
Beetroot
Beetroot is a divisive vegetable, often because people have only experienced it pre-packed and steeped in vinegar (though personally I love that too). Beetroot has loads going for it though – the flavour, texture and colour give it an interesting However fresh beetroot can find its home in a range of dishes – from salads to curries and even cakes. This curry from Rebel Recipes is gloriously red, and could be bulked out with a rinsed and drained tin of chickpeas. http://www.rebelrecipes.com/beetroot-and-coconut-curry-organic-unboxed-challenge/
Brussels Sprouts
Oh, brussels sprouts. After years of culinary disrespect where you've been boiled to a sludge-like consistency, your time has finally come. They may not be to everyone's taste but cooked properly, brussels sprouts can be a wonderful thing. Take this honey mustard chicken dish as your starting point.
Celeriac is that weird, knobbly-looking root vegetable that you might see knocking about in the produce aisle but never pick up. But you definitely should – once you get through that (admittedly thick) skin, it cooks down to be deliciously smooth and almost creamy. The slight nuttiness and sweetness lend it well to dishes like this risotto, though it tastes great on its own, too.
Leeks are part of the same food family as onions and garlic and so are often just treated as an aromatic, but their sweetness and relative subtlety means they can be a killer addition when heroed in a dish like this quiche. There's a reason why leek and potato soup is (or should be) a staple at this time of year.
Kale, when treated with care, doesn't have to be the chewy, bitter roughage it can so often be. This fibrous green can instead be the welcome basis for hearty autumnal salads at a time of year when greens are often much harder to come by.
Pears are thought to have been cultivated in the UK as far back as the 11th century and come in a range of flavours, textures and varieties. Like apples, they work really well in cold savoury dishes, especially with a strong cheese, but probably shine the most in baking.
White mushrooms are a staple of the UK supermarket shelf but there are many more varieties available, which can be found either fresh, quick frozen, or even dried. Wild mushrooms will bring a variety of earthy, rich texture and flavour to a dish which is perfect for autumn.
We were optimistic (okay naïve), figuring we’d be pregnant by the new year. Until then we didn’t want to plan anything. Not our wedding, not trips to see our families, not a vacation. If I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be able to fly after a certain point and if we didn’t know when I’d be pregnant we wouldn’t know when that point would be. It was better to be safe and not make any plans. We were trapped in a maze of our own making.
When we got the call from a nurse the day after Christmas telling us that none of my frozen eggs had turned into viable embryos, I felt like I’d been punched. Those eggs were my backup plan, my insurance policy. They were my guarantee that someday, somehow, we’d have a child.
Weeks of crying on our couch turned into months and finally we were ready to try again, this time with IVF. I spent two weeks shooting myself up with hormones in my stomach. I was bloated, uncomfortable, and depressed. And that was before the bad news came. The genetic tests showed that our two embryos were abnormal. We had nothing to transfer.
In April, we tried again. More hormones. More blood tests. More disappointment. No baby.
Meanwhile, my friends seemed to be getting pregnant (somewhat) effortlessly. Even the women I knew who were also doing IVF were texting me to let me know they’d gotten 10, 12, and 15 eggs at their retrievals. I’d gotten four, another reminder of my body’s failure, which felt more like my own failure as a human.
Friends, strangers, and even the Internet, told us that as soon as we stopped stressing about having a baby that’s when I’d get pregnant. But how could I stop stressing about such a stressful thing? I tried breath work, acupuncture, massage, talk therapy, anything to lessen my anxiety. When nothing worked, I had another thing to blame myself for – now we weren’t having a baby because of my out-of-control anxiety. My body and my mind were under siege.
I watched on Instagram as those I knew – and even those I didn’t – went on babymoons to have one last romantic getaway while they still could. And yet my fiancé and I had been through nine months of hell and there wasn’t going to be a cute, cuddly baby waiting on the other side. Or a pristine white sand beach. Where was our baby moon? Could we finally take a vacation too? Maybe what we needed was to reset and recharge, wipe the slate clean before we started trying again. And then like magic an email arrived in my inbox.
Nicole Fogel, a lupus survivor and the founder of Shift Mind Body Soul, had created a retreat for others to experience the healing and renewal that she found on Maui when she was going through the worst of her disease and reeling from her grandmother’s death. She harnessed her pain and grief into building this program. Did I want to go with her and a group of wellness experts on a retreat to Maui to focus on mindful awareness, holistic nutrition, spiritual healing, and fitness to turn around my life too?
I texted my fiancé. Should we go to Hawaii? Is anyone’s answer to that question ever no?
That’s how we ended up taking a babymoon without ever having a baby.
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Our first night in Maui was almost one year to the day since we started trying. I walked onto the beach barefoot and stood in a circle holding hands with a dozen strangers. In front of us was Lei’ohu Ryder, a spiritual healer, who had brought traditional herbs and plants from her garden to bless all of us. She touched each of our heads and hearts to give us a special message, supposedly from the Gods. Although I don’t believe in God or any kind of higher being, in that moment I made a decision: I’d be open to whatever Lei’ohu had to offer.
“Breathe,” she said and we all took a deep breath before blowing whatever had been holding us back out toward the crystal blue water. Ha is the word for breath, she whispered to us, and I smiled to myself. Was this the universe’s idea of a joke? Breath, the building block of life, so simple and yet so difficult to practice doing well. I inhaled deeply for what felt like the first time.
A few seconds later, Lei’ohu whispered in my ear, “Go deep.” Here I stood with the wet sand sticking to the bottom of my feet thinking I had been going deep all along. But maybe I was still holding myself back? I inhaled again and let it all out, the sound of my exhale mixing with the crashing of the waves as a stillness settled all around me.
The stillness was short-lived though. The next morning, we had to be downstairs at 3:30 a.m. so we could watch the sunrise over Haleakala, the world’s largest dormant volcano, and according to those who believe in such things, the heart chakra of the world. Standing there as the purples and oranges and blues burst over the crater was certainly mind blowing, although by then my lack of sleep had caught up with me and I found myself guzzling three cups of coffee. It wasn’t even 6 a.m. I tried to remember the last time I saw the sunrise, but no memories came to me. My fiancé and I watched sunsets regularly from our rooftop in Brooklyn, but sunrises were fleeting. I remembered Laohu’s words — “go deep” — and inhaled the warmth of the sun before we were corralled into the car to drive the windy road back down to civilisation.
Our next stop was Lumeria Maui, a retreat centre filled with crystals and Buddhas, and most importantly, a labyrinth. A labyrinth is different than a maze because it has only one path that leads to the centre, while a maze has many different paths and directions. As I stepped into the labyrinth, I closed my eyes and put one foot in front of the other, trying to feel my way around the circle. Yet I noticed something. I kept opening my eyes to look ahead instead of remaining in the present and focusing on my breath. Was this the lesson I needed to learn when it came to baby making too? Stay present. Be grateful for what I had in the moment. Stop looking ahead.
The next day my fiancé and I woke up early to the sun and shared a quiet cup of coffee on our balcony overlooking the Pacific Ocean, far away from the New York City (where we live) hustle and bustle. Each morning began by going downstairs to eat breakfast together, where we wrote down our favourite moments from the day before in a journal and discussed what we were looking forward to that day. We’d barely finished eating when he raced to a meditation workshop and I scrambled to reiki.
The week was chock full of other workshops too —from a sound bath to mindfulness training to a nutrition workshop. But it was something so ordinary, something I almost didn’t participate in, that changed the way I looked at myself, and the world around me. Paddle boarding.
Let me start by saying that I’m terrified of anything that makes me feel out of control. I can’t roller skate, ice skate, or even ride a bike. So, paddle boarding was out of the question in my mind. Until, Lori, an event strategist with the Shift Mind Body Soul team, gently peer-pressured me into it. Paddle boarding was easy, she assured me. Blaze, the instructor, would be with me the whole time.
Lori was right. Blaze Velcro-ed the rope around my ankle – and helped me push the board just beyond the waves. When we finally got to the place where the water looked like glass, Blaze said encouragingly, “It’s time to stand up!”
I looked around me. By now, everyone else was standing on their boards effortlessly (or so it seemed). Nicole paddled over to let me know that she had been terrified too, but now she was standing there calmly in mountain pose with a no-big-deal look on her face.
“No way,” I said, my voice shaking.
Blaze didn’t budge. Nicole didn’t either. Just put both feet in the center of your board with your paddle in front of you, he explained. I did what I was told. “Good,” he said. “Now stand up.”
No, no, no, no, no, the conveyer belt in my mind kept repeating. But then, softly at first, I heard another voice: You came all the way to Maui for a change. You wanted to reset, reconnect, push through your fears. What’s the worst that could happen?
Suddenly, the voice shifted: If you can’t have a baby with your eggs, you will try using donor eggs or adopt. Right here, right now, all you have to do is stand up on the paddle board. If you fall, the water will be there to catch you. Sure, there are probably sharks, but you can’t think about that right now. Just stand up.
And stand I did.
I heard Blaze clapping first followed by everyone else I’d spent the last week with. I was standing on a paddle board on my own. I had done what I thought was impossible. It felt good to trust myself again. To feel alive. To let myself feel unstuck for one moment. As I sat back down on the board, someone pointed to two turtles swimming toward me, close enough for me to reach out and touch them. Before we had even gotten on the plane I had told my fiancé that other than relaxing and spending time together, all I wanted was to see turtles. Now my wish had come true.
The next day my fiancé and I walked along the beach looking for a place to snorkel. We talked about the last week we had spent swimming in the pool, watching the sunset, and unwinding. We put on our masks and dove into the ocean, letting go of the feeling that we had bodies at all. And then, right there in front of us, were a school of rainbow-coloured fish, yellow, blue, striped, and polka-dotted. We looked at each other through the salty water and I could see a smile on his face as we gave each other a thumbs up. Everything was going to be okay.
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The conversation about Hillary and Chelsea Clinton’s new book The Book of Gutsy Women started over three decades ago, when Chelsea was a little girl. Driven by the fact that Secretary Clinton didn’t know any women in positions of power — or even who worked outside the home — when she herself was growing up, she made sure that these women were front and centre in her daughter’s upbringing. Watching the Olympics together in Little Rock and in the White House, the mother-and-daughter duo paid particular attention to the female athletes, like Michelle Kwan. Chelsea took ballet for years, and she idolised the discipline and strength shown by the ballerinas she saw perform. Hillary Clinton passed down to her daughter some of the same books she read as a child, many of which focused on female characters, like Nancy Drew.
After they both became authors in their own right, they found that many little kids came up to them at book signings to ask, “Who were your heroes when you were growing up?” They decided it was finally time for a book about the women they admire. “We thought, why don’t we write about these women who inspired us and share their stories?” Secretary Hillary Clinton tells Refinery29 in an interview.
It was not an easy task, given the sheer multitude of women throughout history whose accomplishments deserve our attention. The result, culled from hundreds of essays down to 103, is a far-ranging anthology of athletes, politicians, doctors, activists, and other women who’ve taken risks and made a difference. It’s more textbook than biography, with each chapter kept brief, but it also contains some surprising personal asides. It’s also a testament to women — say, ceiling-shattering major-party presidential nominees? — who deserve more recognition, and to the mother-daughter relationship that endures throughout the history the two have lived through together.
Ahead, the Clintons talk to us about who they relate to most in the book, what’s on their nightstand, the 2020 election, and more.
You’ve said that you started with a list of hundreds and hundreds of inspiring women. How did you edit it down to the final list for the book?
HRC: “It was really hard. We wrote over 200 essays and then our editor basically said, you have to cut it in half. We went back and forth, and Chelsea would argue, ‘No, no, I can’t lose that person, I really, really, want to tell the world about her,’ and then the editor would say, ‘Well, then you’ve got to cut somewhere else.’ It was an excruciating process. But we finally got to 103.”
This book has been called a tribute to your relationship as mother and daughter. Would you say that’s true? Do you think it’s changed your relationship, and if so, how?
CC: “It was a lot of fun to remember the moments when I discovered these women and when my mother introduced them to me. In some ways, the gift of this collaboration for me was to revisit those memories, which have a deeper meaning for me now as a mom. I think it made me appreciate my mom even more, that she so purposefully raised me with strong, gutsy women role models before it was something that was expected.”
HRC: “The book really arose out of a conversation that we’ve had going back to when she was a little girl. It’s drawn from my experience, because when I was a little girl, I didn’t know any women who worked outside the home other than my teachers and my public librarians. I was looking for stories about women that I would never meet, and that’s how I became interested in these role models. When Chelsea was a little girl, she had a different experience.”
CC: “I think now being the mother of a daughter and two sons, I really am so proud — and admittedly, he might just be copying his sister, but when Aidan is asked who his favourite superhero is and he’s like ‘Wonder Woman!’ I’m like, ‘Yesss!’ Although then, Charlotte did ask me why Wonder Woman is not in the book and I didn’t have a great answer…” [HRC laughs, “Oh dear!”]
Chelsea, are there books you wish you’d had as a kid that you’re now reading to your kids?
CC: “One of the books that I mentioned in The Book of Gutsy Women is Mary Wears What She Wants by Keith Negley. I mentioned it in the piece that includes Dr. Mary Edwards Walker, the civil war surgeon and women’s rights advocate who remains the only woman to ever receive the Congressional Medal of Honour. That’s a book that wasn’t around when I was a kid, and it’s a great story about Mary, who as a little girl, wore trousers at a time when every girl was expected to wear dresses, and how that was the first time she had to be gutsy because there was a lot of censure and pushback, and how that was a profound moment in her life that propelled her to do everything else that she felt was right. Another one isGood Night Stories for Rebel Girls: Their grandmother is featured in it, which is fun for them to see their grandma in a book.”
You feature several young women who are activists in your book, like Emma González and Greta Thunberg. Do you think that Gen Z’s activism is different from that of millennials, and if so, how?
HRC: “I think they are really passionate, and they don’t want to take conventional explanations at face value because they know things need to change. We started talking about Greta Thunberg long before she emerged as an international spokesperson, right after she began her lonely strike for climate. I found her so appealing and so genuine. She was really trying to force the world of decision-makers to confront the scientific evidence and to do something about it.”
We started talking about Greta Thunberg long before she emerged as an international spokesperson, right after she began her lonely strike for climate. I found her so appealing and so genuine.
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CC: “The young women gun reform activists that we feature are working on different aspects of our crisis of gun violence. It was important to us to include these women together partly because I think that is how they think of themselves, even though they’re in different parts of the country, have been affected by gun violence in different ways, and have been working on different parts of the challenge. It really does seem to be a collective force, and I think that’s a real tribute to Gen Z and how they think about their activism and engage in it.”
HRC: “I agree with that. I think that it’s not just individual action for the sake of individual action, but to promote a movement, a collective response, that’s what Greta did on climate, it’s what Emma and the other young women did with gun violence, and it’s what Malala [Yousafzai] did with education. You take what happened to you, as terrible and tragic as it might be, and try to elevate it and bring others to that cause.”
Young people have really taken the lead when it comes to the fight against climate change. What do you think is the next “frontier,” so to speak? What is the issue that you think the generation that is now your kids’ age, Chelsea, will make us pay attention to?
CC: “Oh my gosh, what a great question. What are we not doing enough of? What have we not gotten right? I really do think that maybe the answer is a question of acceleration.Just an unwillingness to wait for something to happen and then demanding that what people know is right, particularly I think in climate change, has to happen quickly, that we have to transition to a carbon-free system. Whether it’s equal rights, equal opportunity, equal justice, or climate change, just the understandable impatience and disappointment. The thing about Greta Thunberg’s speech where she called out everyone, all of us, I think and hope that’s what we’ll see more of, and I expect that that’s what we’ll hear from people including my own kids.”
Who in this book do you particularly connect with? Who speaks to your personal journey?
HRC: “I am somewhat partial to women who I saw enter the political system and compete and suffer all the slings and arrows that come with being in politics, starting with Margaret Chase Smith, a Republican Senator from Maine who was the first Republican to take on Joe McCarthy. I’m a big fan of Shirley Chisholm. I’m a big admirer of Barbara Jordan, who gave one of the greatest speeches of the 20th century when she was on the House Judiciary Committee considering articles of impeachment against Richard Nixon. Women like Michelle Bachelet in Chile and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf in Liberia, both of whom were beaten, tortured, exiled, and never gave up on what they hoped to see happen inside their societies. Those are women that I think about a lot, because they went through some of the things I went through, so it’s very personal for me.”
CC: “I have to say my grandmothers, who we write about, who were hugely important to me and remain so even though they’re no longer with us, particularly my mom’s mom, my grandma Dorothy, who passed away almost eight years ago. She very much remains, to this day, the person that I think about when I’m thinking about what the right thing to do is.”
Secretary Clinton, with the 2020 race getting more intense, what has your role been in mentoring and advising the candidates running for president, particularly the women?
HRC: “I have talked to most of the candidates, and I’ve talked to all but one of the women candidates. Of course Kirsten Gillibrand succeeded me in the Senate, and Elizabeth Warren was someone who I knew before she became a senator, and then as she has served, and Amy Klobuchar was someone that I served with, and Kamala Harris is someone that I’ve known and her sister was one of my top staff members on my campaign. So I know those four women and I admire them, and I really am pleased that we had so many women running this time, because when I ran in 2016 there were more American women in space — two — than there were running for president.”
Anyone in particular who you’ve been close with?
HRC: “I wouldn’t say that. Because I have relationships with all of them. I don’t know Tulsi Gabbard. I don’t think I’ve ever even met her. If I did, I don’t recall it right now. So, the three remaining are all people that I really respect, and I hope do well because I think that’s good for everybody.”
You worked on research during the Nixon impeachment hearings as a young staffer on the House Judiciary Committee. Are there any lessons you’ve absorbed there that are applicable to what’s going on right now?
HRC: “I was very pleased at how careful the House Democrats under Nancy Pelosi have proceeded, because it’s a really serious matter to open an impeachment investigation. When I was serving on the staff doing that investigation back in 1974, it was as nonpartisan, nonpolitical as we could make it. We had both Democratic and Republican lawyers working together and everybody was told, you just collect the facts and then apply the law and the Constitution. Don’t jump to a conclusion, you’ve got to be really careful that this is done right. That’s what I see happening now.
“Hopefully when they make a decision, one way or the other, much of the American public will be able to say, well, that’s fair, whatever the decision is. [Back then], Republicans joined with Democrats in their decision. I don’t know that that will happen this time, it’s a different era in our history, but you want at least to make it possible and have the evidence presented in a clear, convincing way that maybe even some Republicans will put their country before their party. [laughs] Let’s hope, right? [makes a finger-crossing motion]“
News about impeachment aside, what are you both reading? What’s on your nightstand right now?
CC: “On my nightstand are so many kids’ books! But on my Kindle, I’m really excited to read Go Ahead In The Rain: Notes To A Tribe Called Quest by Hanif Abdurraqib. It is a book about the impact of a Tribe Called Quest, which was the soundtrack to my teenage years. I just finished another book about our growing alarm around antimicrobial resistance, and I needed a good antidote to that…and so, this is my treat to myself.”
HRC: “I am deep into The Flight Portfolio by Julie Orringer, which is stunning. It’s based on a true story of an American man who’s trying to get safe passage, getting visas and tickets for scientists and artists and writers to get out of Vichy France before the Nazis invade. It’s just brilliantly written — it’s my treat. And then I just picked up Ann Patchett’s new book The Dutch House. I’ve got a big stack on my nightstand.”
CC: “And I have a long queue in my Kindle.”
HRC: “I’m still reading books! It’s another one of our technological differences.”
This interview has been condensed for length and clarity.
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I recently wrote an article titled, “Women Helping Women Isn’t Just A Rallying Cry. It’s Good Business.” The piece got 16k LinkedIn likes and 287 comments, which in today’s digital world means it went viral. I was really proud of it, because it was about a subject that I stand behind in theory and in practice: that women helping women isn’t just a rallying cry, it’s good business.
I was inspired when I saw comments from people like Kate Katz, the owner at All Hands Workshop, who said: “As a new entrepreneur bringing something new to the table in soft skills development, having a strong female support network has been essential. Supporting other women is as essential to me as air and water… it’s a reciprocal relationship (stronger in some than others) that has nurtured me and help me to manifest some of my biggest ideas.”
But then, as it so often does, something happened that made me think that we could be doing more to support and uplift each other as women. In this case, it was the Forbes 100 Most Innovative Leaders list, which only included one woman. Despite the admission from Forbes itself that there was a lack of female representation on the list, which they attributed to simple mathematics, it stung, and not just for me. The article was widely discussed and criticised as yet another example of how the boys’ club of (mostly) old white men still hasn’t been dismantled. I could point to plenty of female entrepreneurs who are innovating and leading every day, and somehow, they’re still not getting recognised. It’s not ALL bad news: Inc. just made history by putting a visibly pregnant Audrey Gelman, CEO of The Wing, on the cover of its 100 Female Founders issue. That’s a step in the right direction.
All of this got me thinking: I do believe that women supporting each other in business is at an all-time high, but given the publication of the Forbes list, it’s clear that we could be doing more and, as it’s Women’s Small Business Month, why not now? Research from Ellevate Network shows the same concern: in a recent poll, 55% of women still thought we need to increase our efforts to support each other. Plus, 29% of respondents said that there could be more collaboration vs. competing between women, and 27% thought that we could all be networking and making more formal recommendations.
I do as much as I can to support and promote other women, but between being an executive who travels for my job, juggling two young boys, trying to keep up a healthy marriage and being a supportive friend, there isn’t always a ton of time to reflect on what I could be doing more of. I was looking for inspiration, so I reached out to leaders across different industries to get their advice on both the personal and the corporate level. Here’s what they had to say.
“Competition has its place, bitchiness doesn’t.”
Fi Bendall, CEO of The Female Social Network, thinks that we need to reframe competition. “I take very seriously the inclusion of my team whatever their age. Unfortunately, I have seen some corporate women…feel they have to protect their position, mainly from male colleagues, forcing them to almost act like them. It leads to loneliness and isolation. We aren’t male so we don’t need to act like alpha males. Women together are so powerful, men and women together are even more powerful, and we need to get to that place in society and in our business culture. Competition has its place, bitchiness doesn’t.”
“Actively promote women.”
I admire advertising guru Cindy Gallop, who founded The Social Sex Revolution, for how vocal she is on shouting out womens’ achievements. She says, “I’m very attuned to the amazing work that women do in this world because it’s so undervalued and underappreciated by men, so I call out women doing amazing things any chance I get—in meetings, on social media, in conversations. We have to ACTIVELY promote each other, everything from doing that on social media to recommending women for conferences, going with women investors, talking to someone senior in your company.”
“Focus on your superpower.”
We try to do it all, but Jennifer Justice, Co-Founder of The Justice Dept, thinks we should celebrate what makes us special. “We are all great at something, and should be hired for that…At work, we feel like we need to do it all—be the boss, accountant, lawyer, business development, HR, everything. That is not how you scale a business. Women need to hire those specialists for the areas that they are not skilled at and give those roles to women. It supports the ecosystem,” she says.
“Sponsorship is key.”
As the Vice President, Innovation, Global Health and Policy Communication at Johnson & Johnson and founder of media platform for Southeast Asian women, Seema Kumar thinks we need an open-door policy. “We need to notice if women do not have a seat at the table and do something about it. Also, senior women leaders should have an open-door policy, so others can come and talk about concerns and issues with their department and vertical heads, not just their human resources heads. Only when those who need to share their voices know they will be heard and follow-on actions taken, without repercussions professionally or personally, will we start to see positive changes.”
“Empathy solves everything.”
I agree with Mara LeCocq, Brand & Community Director at Fishbowl, who thinks that we have to try to understand each other better.“We all have different experiences that drive our behaviours. If I see a woman who has competitive, ‘backstabby’ vibes, I try to befriend her…Insecurity always hides behind competitive behaviour,” she says. “I support her in public and in private. Telling their boss in front of everyone in a meeting that she’s awesome is something we all appreciate and need, when we deserve it. Also, it helps put her guard down, and ultimately helps the whole team. The competitive woman also needs validation.”
“Collaboration is hard but worth it.”
Cate Luzio, Founder of Luminary, sees both the challenge and value in partnerships. She explains, “competition is easy and is healthy until it’s not; collaboration is hard but it’s worth it. Creating partnership and working together takes time and effort but if we don’t put in that time, we further create silos that will need to be broken down. Diversifying our networks, team up to help move forward by sharing who/what we know, lend our voices and support at the table for other women. Lead by example. We are breaking down these silos at Luminary to include all women (and our males allies) not just one type/kind of women.”
“Pay it forward.”
You can succeed while bringing others along for the ride, Laura Mignott, CEO of DFlash, says.“Be human, be helpful and be authentic. I’ve built my career by lifting as I climb and paying it forward. There is no greater thing you can do than to give to others. No one needs to spend every waking minute, but you can by being a good person, following up and being nice.”
“Be more honest.”
Everyone’s life may LOOK perfect on social media, but Dee Poku, Co-Founder & CEO of WIE, thinks we need to get real. “We should be more honest about the peaks and valleys of navigating our lives and our careers. The tendency on social media is to only share the good stuff. I know several friends who have left social media, and it can be hard if you’re struggling with something, whether it’s having kids or raising money,” she says.” We’d be doing ourselves less of a disservice if we were more honest about the valleys, not just on social media but in our smaller circles.”
“Create supportive environments.”
Alicia Syrett, Founder & CEO, Pantegrion Capital says we need to rethink one-size-fits-all corporate policies: “companies can create a supportive environment for women by examining their current policies and update them for best practices (e.g. providing flex time, paid leave, child care leave, and ‘returnships’). Next, to encourage camaraderie, firms can create sponsorship/mentorship programs, training opportunities for employees to learn and collaborate together, and fund internal innovation projects led by teams working together towards a goal. Companies can also reiterate the importance of diversity and team-led initiatives as a core company value. Finally, ensuring equal and diverse representation across the company and in all leadership roles discourages a scarcity/competitive mentality and demonstrates that the company’s environment is one where all have the opportunity to excel.”
“Be intentional about your network.”
We have to stand behind each other and create opportunities, Kristy Wallace, the CEO of Ellevate Network, says. “Take action. If you see someone interrupted in a meeting, speak up. It really takes a community to get by in today’s world, and it’s really important to me that I actively participate in that community every day. Listen, not with the intent to respond, but with the intent to understand. The more that we take the time to recognise and understand the challenges and obstacles others are facing in their lives, and the more we can do to change it, the more we can actively create change for others. We also need to be intentional about who is in our network. We need to be intentionally hiring diverse candidates in the workplace, connecting with diverse peers, and building those relationships.”
“Find comfort in knowing you’re not alone.”
Jennifer Willey, Founder & CEO, Wet Cement is an expert at creating programs that help people make connections. “When people see how we are alike AND different, we can find those connection points but still recognise our unique gifts. The easiest way to do this is to involve women in programs or projects where they are passionate about the topic/mission or where they know they need help—then, they can lean on each other and find comfort in knowing they are not alone. Impostor Syndrome is one of the great equalisers. I haven’t done a workshop yet where there hasn’t been a woman (or man, for that matter!) who can relate in some way and is excited to overcome it.”
“Make relevant connections.”
This is my own personal mantra. Meaningful connections are essential for us to build stronger networks; it’s why I created the Connect4Women initiative this past spring, with the goal of connecting four women every day for a month. It’s not only something that I think is important, it’s also something that I just enjoy doing. Madeline Albright once said that “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” If we can each find a way to support each other in a way that also brings us joy, that’s a win-win.
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I have about a billion memories of my mum, but some of my favourites are our mother-daughter shopping dates. Since I spent most of my childhood weekends freezing in the stands of an arena watching my two brothers play hockey, Mum always made sure we had our own special time. We’d leave our house in Thornhill early on a Saturday morning and drive to downtown Toronto, chatting and laughing while Shania Twain’s Come On Over album played. She’d patiently watch me try on outfit after outfit, whether it was semiformal dresses or back-to-school clothes, always giving her input, but also encouraging my independence, saying “it’s up to you.” We’d cap off the day with sushi (my choice), then browse through DVDs at Blockbuster for the perfect rom-com (almost always Julia Roberts, also my choice) to watch on the sofa, while munching on popcorn and chocolate-covered almonds. That was my Mum: totally selfless and happy to go along with whatever agenda my brothers, my father and I came up with.
When she was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2008, Mum once again put our feelings before hers, downplaying its seriousness. Eventually the cancer spread, the chemo hit her harder, and she couldn’t hide it anymore: She was dying. The memory of my mom sitting my brothers and me down and telling us she didn’t have much time left still turns my stomach. There is no way to describe the feeling of watching your confused 10-year-old brother cry “but I need a mum.” She died six years later, when I was 19. I’m sure you feel sorry for me — heck, writing this and reliving these moments makes me feel sorry for me. But here’s the thing: Losing my mum as a teen helped me discover a drive and joy in myself that I never thought I had. Grieving isn’t solely about pain and suffering, I’ve learned. Sometimes there’s an upside to loss.
The experts refer to this positive, even transformational, shift following a loss as post-traumatic growth. It’s the idea that trauma can be a catalyst for people to become stronger, happier, and lead overall better lives, that it can help clarify your values and identify the contributions you want to make to the world. Post-traumatic growth is a relatively new field of study in the psychology world, which has historically been more interested in people who aren’t doing well.
American psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun developed the theory in the mid-1990s. Among their many studies, they interviewed a group of widows. Though most of the women cried nightly, mourning the loss of their husbands, they also said the life-changing death of their spouses pushed them to realise their own resilience. “For post-traumatic growth to be possible, the event needs to rock people’s worlds enough so that some of the ways they understood themselves and their place in the world no longer fit,” explains Calhoun. Women, he adds, seem to report it more often than men, although experts aren’t sure why.
Key to this is that growth is often experienced alongside grief — one does not eliminate the other. In Option B by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, she writes about the immense pain she endured after her husband’s sudden death of a coronary arrhythmia, saying she never imagined she’d be capable of overcoming this constant state of “not being able to breathe,” never mind finding meaning in her loss. But she also dedicates a whole chapter to the shifting perspective she noticed seeping into her life when she began journaling, embracing vulnerability and eventually “pouring her emotions” into that now-famous Facebook post.
I noticed this paradox in my own life. I cried. A lot. I had many “what-did-I-do-to-deserve-this?” breakdowns. And I still do. But the night after my mother passed away, as I sat in bed puffy-eyed and wired, I remember thinking I’d just experienced the absolute worst, that things could only get better. I promised myself then that I would (at least try) to live the rest of my life striving to make my mom proud, that I would make decisions (OK, most decisions) based on the foundation she created for me. Knowing that all she ever wanted was for her kids to be happy, I tried to embrace the freedom of thriving on my own, rather than seeing her loss as a burden (though this often takes some reminding).
Less than a year after my mom passed away, I went on student exchange to the U.K. and then travelled Europe for five months — something my mum said she wanted to do. Something perhaps I never thought I’d be brave enough to do. I’ve travelled every year since. Recently, I decided to go back to school for my master of arts in media production at Ryerson University — once again, something I never saw myself doing.
For my master’s thesis, I explored how we navigate grief in modern Western culture, which allowed me to connect with other young people who lost parents but also emerged with a new sense of perspective. One of them is Katie Shim, whose mother died of colon cancer when she was in high school. Losing it all freed her to explore life on her own terms, she says. “It’s [allowed me] to seek my own female mentors,” she says. “It’s taught me to be more vigilant, how to be more compassionate and really sit with my emotions.” Shim recently followed her lifelong dream and moved to California, saying it was her mother’s death that empowered her to make the leap. Daniela Zirrizotti, who was 17 when her mother died of a stroke, also says that losing her mom put a “fire in her” to do things for her mother’s legacy. This is what post-traumatic growth researcher Dr. Joseph Kasper calls “co-destiny,” which involves working towards achieving things in your life that you think your deceased loved one would have achieved if they were still alive.
I’ve often questioned how I could be so content after the death of my mom. Am I insensitive? Am I burying my feelings? It doesn’t help when people have opinions on the correct way to go about missing someone.
Zirizotti admits that feeling motivated, or even grateful, after losing her mom often comes with guilt, which is quite familiar to me. I’ve often questioned how I could be so content after the death of my mum. Am I insensitive? Am I burying my feelings? It doesn’t help when people have opinions on the correct way to go about missing someone. I found myself reassuring others that I do have crying spells and trouble getting out of bed some mornings, just to fit their expectations of how I should be grieving. Dr. Anne Wagner, a Toronto-based clinical psychologist who specialises in trauma, says that this outlook can often hold us back. “That’s where people tend to get stuck, where they can’t embrace growth because they’re feeling guilty for experiencing it,” she says. “There are probably as many different ways to work through grief as there are people in the world.”
It’s been over five years since my mum died. In that time, I’ve felt sadness and anger, gratitude and motivation — and I try not to deny any of these feelings. I’m continuing to prosper in the midst of what I used to think was insurmountable. That in itself gives me some form of hope and relief. Living without my mom can be really shitty, but I think I deserve to find the silver lining in the shitty. I may no longer have her arms to run to when my quarter-life crisis is at its peak, my dating life is looking ugly, and I can’t find the perfect outfit for that job interview, but whenever a Julia Roberts rom-com pops on TV or I hear a Shania Twain song, mom never seems too far away.
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Thanks to a flood of new independent beauty brands such as Tandem, Plenaire and Distillery, buying products with sustainable, vegan and eco-friendly credentials is now easier than ever.
In 2019, these qualities are less of a trend and more a necessity for beauty obsessives everywhere and there's one place where you can discover the very best brands: the Indie Beauty Expo.
An exhibition meets marketplace, the expo recently returned to London for the second time to serve up the latest ethically conscious brands before they hit the mainstream, and this year was just as fruitful as the last.
From Skin Sapiens, who place a big importance on sustainable packaging and minimal ingredients (all listed on the back in order of concentration for ease of understanding and efficacy), to We Are Paradoxx, a brand which packages everything in aluminium (a material that can be recycled on an infinite loop), here are some of the best brands. Skin Sapiens
Skin Sapiens is more than just an Instagram-worthy skincare brand. They want everyone to know exactly what they're putting on to their skin and into the environment, so every single ingredient (vegan, no less) is listed on the back in plain English and in order of potency.
You might notice that the bottles (fully recyclable) and tubes are ever so slightly imperfect, as they are made using repurposed plastic bottles sourced in the UK. This is mainly because the brand is part of 1% for the Planet, a movement which encourages businesses and consumers to support environmental solutions.
Each formula is also free from fragrance, making them a little more compatible with reactive skin types.
Skin Sapiens Face Cream, $, available at Skin SapiensFlow Cosmetics
Flow is a Finnish brand and this serum-oil hybrid is one of their star products for very dry skin. The vegan formula consists of vitamin E and lingonberry seed oil to moisturise intensely and impart a natural glow. According to the brand, the dropper can be separated and recycled entirely in mixed waste. Of course, glass jars are also recyclable.
Flow Cosmetics Lingonberry Bright Serum, $, available at Flow CosmeticsApricot
While single-use beauty products such as sheet masks and pore strips are popular, they often aren't that great for the environment. Apricot's vegan and cruelty-free eye masks are made from medical grade silicone and offer up to 30 treatments. Silicone is not biodegradable but can be recycled, so get in touch with your local recycling facility for more information.
Apricot Eye Pads With Hyaluron, $, available at ApricotFaith In Nature
You might have already spotted Faith In Nature at Boots or Holland & Barrett, but it's still a little under the radar. Ingredients are naturally derived, cruelty-free and vegan, and the collection ranges from liquid shampoo to the more eco-friendly shampoo bars. Brilliantly, the brand has set up a number of refill stations across the UK so that you can take your empty bottles and top up on shampoo whenever you need.
Faith In Nature Lavender & Geranium Shampoo, $, available at Faith In NatureWe Are Paradoxx
Another brand working with 1% for the Planet to give 1% of revenue to research into plastic alternatives for the beauty industry, We Are Paradoxx is the first to use metal exclusively (aluminium, to be exact, which can be recycled on an infinite loop). "We were determined to find a viable eco-friendly alternative to plastic, and will continue to do so, while bringing the best up to 97% natural formulas in the haircare market to a consumer who wants more from their products," said founder Yolanda Cooper. Their hair elixir imparts shine, fights frizz and flyaways and makes hair soft.
We Are Paradoxx Hangover Hair Elixir, $, available at We Are ParadoxxMaiiro
Maiiro is a 100% recyclable and 41% biodegradable brand, but it pledges to go completely plastic-free. Seaweed extract is the star ingredient in each product thanks to its high vitamin A and E content, which work to refine and moisturise skin exposed to the elements.
Maiiro Organic Lip Salve, $, available at MaiiroTerre de Mars
It's the sleek aesthetic that drew us to French beauty brand Terre de Mars, but the vegan and cruelty-free status swayed us. Packaging is either biodegradable or recyclable and ingredients are ECOCERT Greenlife certified, according to the COSMOS standard. This coffee scrub can be used on face and body.
Terre de Mars Resurgence Coffee Scrub, $, available at Terre de Mars
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Welcome to Money Diaries, where we're tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We're asking a cross-section of women how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period – and we're tracking every last penny.
This week:"I currently work in the aerospace industry as a research and development scientist, living on my own in Cardiff in a small, rented one-bed flat close to the city centre. In a few weeks’ time, I will be moving to take on a new job in research, this time for the telecommunications industry. The new job does pay better but the decision to move came after I realised that I had gotten as far as I was going to go in my current job and needed more of a challenge and better long-term career prospects.
I am not good with money. This mostly comes from being incredibly impulsive and deciding on things on a whim. But I am trying to improve! In the past I got into a bit of an issue with credit cards (plural, weep) so at the start of the year I took out a loan, chopped up the cards (so symbolic) and now I pay off the debt by direct debit each month."
Industry: Aerospace Age: 30 Location: Cardiff Salary: £35,700 Paycheque amount: £2,074 Number of housemates: None
Monthly Expenses
Housing costs: £625 rent Loan payments: £280 Utilities: Gas/electric £39, water £12.50 (set aside to pay annual bill), council tax £81, internet £34. Transportation: Car payment £150, insurance £55, fuel ~£100. Phone bill: SIM only £19 (I’ve recently upgraded to unlimited data to help with the move, no millennial can live without the internetz). Savings? Decimated by moving. I have never been great at saving but did manage to put aside a little over £2,000 after deciding to change job. I’m going to try and keep this up after I move and start saving towards a deposit for a house. Other: Netflix £8.99 (I split this with my sister who pays half of the cost upfront at the start of the year), Spotify £4.99, gym £36.Day One
8am: Wake up and scroll through Instagram on my phone, spot a coaster-making class just up the road from my house this morning. As I’m moving and won’t get a chance to do it later, I decide to go for it and anyway it’ll be good to get back into the swing of doing this kind of thing on my own, as a way to meet new people/make friends. Get ready in a hurry and scoff some Weetabix and orange juice before I leave. £30 for the class.
9.45am: Head out the door to walk to the class, I’ve brought a shopping bag and some tubs with me as I’ll stop by the local zero waste shop on my way home. I’m the last to arrive as I couldn’t find the door (in my defence it really wasn’t obvious). The class is in a little studio behind a coffee shop, it’s all ladies and we spend the time chatting and making coasters, such a fun way to spend a Saturday morning and I have four coasters to show for it!
1pm: Coasters all wrapped up, I head to a couple of shops on my way home. Superdrug for face wash and eye makeup remover (£8.72), zero waste shop for pasta, couscous and soap in a tin for travel (£12).
2pm: I get home and heat up some leftover oven pizza for lunch while looking up crafty workshops for when I move. I find a lino print class which looks cool and takes away a tiny bit of the moving anxiety, but I’ll wait to book until after I have moved.
6.30pm: I have spent the afternoon sorting my belongings in preparation for the move while catching up on podcasts (The Adam Buxton Podcast and The High Low). Moving is exhausting and taking up a lot of time but luckily I have more leftovers for tea and don’t have to cook. I heat up the second portion of a HelloFresh chicken and veg recipe I made yesterday; last week I had a code for 50% off but I have cancelled the next order as it’s back up to full price. In a potentially really sad admission, I almost always cook/prepare two portions of food at once, save the second portion for the next day and then I only have to cook half the time. I am a strong, independent, single lady who doesn’t need a man to come in and take away my leftovers.
11.30pm: After an evening of ironing and binge-watching Interior Design Masters (a wild one for grandma), I head to bed. I’ve been struggling to get to sleep lately so I use Sleepcasts on the Headspace app to take my mind off things. I fall asleep to a soothing story about a snowy town.
Total:£50.72Day Two
7am: I’m awake but I don’t get out of bed until 7.45 and now I’m late and need to get ready in a hurry (this will likely be a recurring theme throughout the week).
8.45am: Thankfully my friend picking me up, M, is also late, so it has all worked out. We manage to avoid the road closures due to the Cardiff marathon that is happening today and set off for a tour around an old (closed) prison. M got the tickets last month for my birthday as we are both into psychology and the tour sounds really interesting (no, you’re weird).
10.30am: We are early for the tour but there is a small tuck shop so we decide that for a tour around an old, creepy prison we probably need snacks. I treat us to a biscuit, a chocolate bar and a can of pop each as M got the tickets and drove. £5.40
2pm: The tour was fascinating, everything from how and why it was built in the 1600s to the fact it has been bought by housing developers and most of the old buildings will be turned into high-end apartments. Super interesting for a visit but nooooooo thanks to living there! After the tour we head to a cute wee café for lunch and I have a tasty veggie pasta bake. I pay for lunch as a thanks for the day out. £17.05
6pm: After a couple of pit stops for fuel and groceries (all for M, I don’t buy anything), I get home and get to making my lunches for the week (pork, sage and onion spaghetti). I batch cook my lunch every week as I like a hot lunch and by having it pre-prepared, I save a lot of time and money. Each day for lunch I’ll warm up the spaghetti and serve it with grated parmesan and walnut (she fancy) and for dessert I’ll have an individual portion of jelly (she a child).
7pm: Sunday night is Skype night and time to catch up with my family back in Scotland. I moved away four years ago to come to Cardiff for work and I miss everyone so much but thanks to Skype I probably talk to them more now than I did before I moved. My dad asks me about my moving prep and gives what is probably very sound advice which I forget as soon as the call ends.
8.30pm: All the Skype-ing done I get to work on my tea; another HelloFresh recipe, pork and apple burger with potato wedges and side salad that takes no time to whip up.
11pm: Off to bed, tonight’s Sleepcast is about a rainy town.
Total:£22.45 Day Three
5am: I’ve left the heating on and wake up in a sweat, feeling like I’ve been sleeping in the desert. Switch it off and head back to bed.
6.30am: Alarm.
7.45am: Get out of bed. Get ready. Breakfast of Weetabix and orange juice. Head to work.
9.15am: Arrive in work and check emails to find a report has been rejected by a customer. Turns out this is an old revision of the report and everything has been rectified already but as this is an important project/customer I get chased about it several times over the course of the morning by different members of the team, which, combined with my poor night’s sleep, sours my mood quite a bit.
12pm: I’ve spent the rest of the morning performing tests on products in development and getting to grips with a new assignment related to our intellectual property (IP). This is not a small task and I get very anxious that I’ve taken on too many jobs before I leave and I’m not sure I can get through all of them. I head to lunch hoping that some food will cheer me up from what has not been a great morning.
2pm: After lunch (spag and jelly), I feel much better and crack on with writing up the testing I did this morning. I take a break for mid-afternoon Pepsi Max; I don’t drink tea or coffee but get really sleepy mid-afternoon so a can of pop is my answer. I buy these in bulk and keep them in a fridge at work, so no money spent.
5.30pm: I get dropped with a sales support activity that must be addressed today and means I won’t be leaving work any time soon; the bad mood is back with a vengeance.
7.15pm: I finish up on the sales support and head for home a bit annoyed as I don’t think I’ve done a great job, given the little time I had. I catch up with my brother and his family on the phone on my way home. He tells me the illustrated copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire that I ordered for my niece has arrived. The book was pre-ordered but the money comes out of my account the day it’s delivered. £21.36
8pm: It’s another leftover night so I cook up the second pork and apple burger from last night and heat up the potato wedges. Considering my indifference towards cooking, I love watching cooking shows and I spend the rest of the evening watching Bon Appétit YouTube videos (Brad and Claire are my favourite).
10.30pm: In a bid to get back into a healthy sleep routine I head to bed a little earlier and download a new Kindle book, Meat Market by Juno Dawson. £0.99
Total:£22.35Day Four
7am: I’m awake and I’ve had a much better sleep, so I pack up my swimming kit and head to the pool.
8am: Shitter. The pool is broken (I dunno) so no swimming today but the showers are still in working order so I get ready for work here as it’ll be quicker than heading back home.
9.15am: In work and I start on the IP task from yesterday, spreadsheets galore!
12pm: I stop for lunch and buy tickets for Wilderland film festival, a collection of mini nature documentaries that will be shown in a local cinema later this week. I buy tickets for myself and my friend, J, who immediately pings £14 across for her ticket. My ticket is £12 as I just finished a part-time uni course and my student ID is still valid.
6.30pm: I’ve spent the afternoon working on IP and honestly, the conditional formatting I have used on Excel is probably the most exciting thing I have to say about that. I pack up and leave just in time to meet my work mate, A, to head to the cinema. We’re going to see Joker and apparently so is everyone else. We manage to get the last two seats together. £7.99
6.45pm: We head to McDonald’s for some quick and cheap eats before the cinema. We talk all the workplace gossip and discuss my impending move. £4.69
7.30pm: Pop into Morrisons for cinema snacks. A buys sweets but I’m prepared and brought a bag of popcorn from home and filled my water bottle so don’t buy anything (I feel like the exact opposite of the drag queen who hates Tupperware from a previous Money Diary). We’re back in the cinema just in time, but I’m gutted as we’ve missed the trailers. It’s a super fancy cinema and the seats recline, ooOoo.
10pm: The film is absolutely fantastic; incredibly dark and sometimes a bit difficult to watch but definitely the best film I’ve seen in a long time.
11pm: I’m home and in bed, Midnight Launderette on the Sleepcasts tonight.
Total:£24.68Day Five
6am: Alarm.
7am: I’m up, it’s a bit later than planned but I’m sure it’ll be fine.
8am: I’m just about finished getting ready when I check the traffic, it does not look good. My journey is taking almost an hour longer than usual and I have a meeting with important visitors at 9am. Mild panic but I manage to get hold of a teammate who sets everything up for me.
8.55am: After taking all available shortcuts I arrive just in time but thankfully everyone else has also hit traffic, so I have a little bit of time to compose myself. My colleague had everything prepped before I arrived (what a star!) and the visit goes smoothly.
11.30am: After the visitors are handed over to another department to continue their meeting, I get going with training the colleague who will be taking over my testing duties. We’ve been doing this for a couple of weeks and it seems to be going smoothly but we use very specialised, very complicated equipment so I’m trying to get absolutely everything I can across before I leave.
4pm: Win! 16p refund from Amazon as the pre-order price of the Harry Potter book was more expensive than on the day.
6.30pm: Head home. It’s a cooking night so I make halloumi, couscous and roasted veg and sit down to catch up on Bake Off.
11.30pm: I’ve been distracted looking at houses and trying to figure out how much I’ll need to save for a deposit in my new city. I eventually get into bed a little late but then stay awake for ages thinking about houses and money and houses and money…
Total:£0Day Six
6.45am: Alarm goes off and I get up! Amazing.
8am: Leave for the hospital, Google Maps says the journey will take 15 minutes.
8.30am: Fifteen minutes my arse! I arrive a little flustered and just in time for my appointment. I have been having issues with my reproductive organs since I was 14 but no one really seems to know what the cause of it all is. My main symptom is continuous periods, which have been controlled over the past nine years with a contraceptive implant, but in the last year or so I’ve been having intense lower abdominal pain too (fun!). The last gynaecologist I saw was great and really thorough (ahem) and explained that it could be endometriosis with atypical symptoms but the only way to confirm would be a laparoscopy, which seemed excessive. She suggested that changing my (now expired) implant for a Mirena coil might help, so that’s what we’re here for today kids!
8.40am: I am called through to the doctor, it’s not the lovely lady I saw last time but an older male doctor. I’m on the back foot at first but he seems very friendly and doesn’t appear to mind all my questions. The procedure is slightly uncomfortable but manageable (although I wish I’d had time to pee first).
9.30am: Trousers back on and I’m free to go. After a nip to the loo, I feel fine so decide to head to work.
10.10am: Oh god this was an awful idea. When I sit down I’m in a lot of pain, and I’ve just sat in the car to drive 40 minutes to work, idiot! When I get to work, I pop some pain pills and have a can of Pepsi Max (yes, I know it’s early but desperate times). I hover around, not really able to sit down, until my boss tells me to go home. Good call.
12pm: The drive home isn’t as bad, thankfully. When I get home, I heat up some lunch and then position myself flat on the sofa and try to do some work but it’s surprisingly difficult to use a laptop like this.
4pm: The pain pills have hit and I am able to zoom through a couple of reports and update my lab health and safety documents (risk: difficulty sitting due to uterus issues, mitigation: go home and eat chocolate).
6pm: Finish work and heat up the veg and couscous leftovers and cook up some fresh halloumi.
7pm: My friend, J, picks me up for the Wilderland film fest. In hindsight, booking this for this evening was poor planning but I have topped up on pain pills and brought extra chocolate from home.
10.30pm: The film fest is great – eight or so short films I never would have seen otherwise, covering really interesting conservation efforts from penguins in South Africa to snow leopards in the Himalayas. J drops me off at home and I head straight to bed. No need for a Sleepcast tonight, I’m out for the count in no time.
Total: £0Day Seven
7am: Alarm.
7.15am: I’m up, not perfect but 15 minutes lie-in is certainly an improvement.
9am: Traffic was horrendous, I would have been better staying in bed for half an hour. Although it did mean I could listen to the sweet, sweet voice of Louis Theroux on Audible for a little longer (thoroughly recommend his new book, he does the accents!). We have sort of flexible hours in work and on Fridays we shut up shop at 1pm, so I spend the morning finishing up odds and ends.
11am: I have a meeting with my boss to discuss my week’s activities and go over any personal development (PD) stuff. I did a PD course last year and found it incredibly useful so in order to keep it up, my boss has become a sort of mentor and every week we discuss not just my tasks but also what PD aspects I’ve been working on. I like working on my own and being in control, so I usually concentrate on things like adaptability and interpersonal skills by setting myself mini targets each week. Sounds lame, but actually really helpful.
1pm: Work is done for the week!
1.30pm: I headed straight for Ikea and I’m already in the queue for meatballs, £5.70. After I move, I’ll be over an hour away from the nearest Ikea, so I am doing a reconnaissance mission to figure out what I want to order once I have moved into my new flat. I have a rough idea of the kind of stuff I’ll need (mostly storage) but I won’t be able to get a lot of it until I have had a chance to measure things up. While I’m here I pick up a new ironing board, a storage box and a clothes rail. £38
4pm: Next stop is Home Bargains for cleaning essentials. I am blitzing my current flat ahead of the move, in an attempt to get as much of my deposit back as possible, £2.98. I then pop into Argos for a new iron as the one I have is giving up on me. £29.99
4.30pm: Once home I find a place for everything (for now at least) and get ready to go out for food.
5.30pm: My friend, D, parks her car at my house and we walk into town together, catching up and discussing her recent engagement.
6pm: We meet some of our other friends and I am gutted to find out that the new Vietnamese place we had planned to go to is full, so we head next door for burgers. This is not a bad substitution at all, the burgers are great and we have a laugh when D, who is fluent in Welsh, spots a bad Welsh translation used as artwork. D covers my meal as this is a sort of leaving thing.
7pm: We arrive at a board game café we’ve wanted to try out for ages. It’s a great little place with millions of games and excellent staff to help you out. We play board games, catch up and drink wine – is this what a Friday night looks like when you’re 30? It’s £5 per head to play, and £9 for my share of wine.
Midnight: After a long evening of such classics as Qwirkle (recommend), D and I arrive back at my house and we chat away until the early hours when she decides she really must get home and I head for bed.
"This really isn’t my typical week so the spending is very different from my norm. For example, I’d say I spent much more on ‘Entertainment’ as I’m trying to see my Cardiff friends as much as possible before I leave (I also don’t buy an iron every week...or talk about ironing this much). It also oddly worked out that over these seven days I didn’t go grocery shopping at all and I didn’t have to get fuel, which could be ~£100 in total. Considering all that I have fit in this week (it really doesn’t always look like this), I’m pretty happy with how much I spent."
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Living in a quick-fix culture, many of us are on the lookout for ways to reap maximum rewards with minimal effort – whether we realise it or not. We’ve got apps to remind us to drink water and boost our workplace productivity, and voice-powered personal assistants at our beck and call for, well, just about everything. Now, more and more people are taking extreme measures to hack their way to superhuman physical and cognitive performance, and their influence is slowly leaking out of the clandestine confines of Silicon Valley startups and elite sport, and making its way into the mainstream wellness sphere. Enter: the biohackers.
What is biohacking? In short, it’s the practice of altering your biology to boost your physical and cognitive performance. It sounds intense (and many biohackers swear by expensive gadgets, like this £140 brain-calming headband or this €1,049 sleep-tracking ring) but actually, a five-minute cold shower and intermittent fasting also fall under the ‘biohacking’ umbrella.
One biohacking product in particular promises results that are too good to ignore. It’s called the HumanCharger and, as its name suggests, promises to recharge you – rather like a phone battery, run down from overuse in a world demanding that you’re constantly on the move. But does it work? I decided to give it a go to find out.
Like many people, I feel noticeably sprightlier in sunnier climes. Yes, it may have something to do with the onslaught of Aperol Spritzes, but when the sun has got its hat on, I am indeed “hip hip hooray”. Sadly, this means that the shorter, darker days of winter often wreak havoc on my mental and physical wellbeing.
Combined with leading an incubated life (commute-work-commute-sleep), I rarely receive enough serotonin-boosting sunlight from October to March, which exacerbates my symptoms of SAD (seasonal affective disorder, a condition which affects one in three Brits). Much like my doomed-to-wither houseplants, this leaves me feeling sluggish, lethargic and ready to reach into the snack drawer by mid-morning.
While hopping on a plane and following the sun to Bondi or the Bahamas becomes tempting come 6pm, it’s not a viable option for many of us. But what if we could access (in the words of Natasha Bedingfield) a pocketful of sunshine whenever we needed a dose? The HumanCharger might just be the answer.
Developed in Finland – where, in December, daylight lasts for just six hours – the HumanCharger resembles an iPod Nano circa 2005, except the headphones use fibre optics to channel UV-free light to the light-sensitive regions of your brain, rather than blast out Akon and Axel F. The makers of the HumanCharger claim that using it can increase energy levels, improve mood, boost mental alertness and promote faster recovery from the effects of jet lag. A lifesaver for time-zone-traversing professionals, night shift workers and SAD sufferers.
Too good to be true, right? For me, sadly, yes. I trialled the HumanCharger over the wettest, darkest late-September week on record and did not find it to be an effective solution. While it felt good to be getting on top of SAD before the winter took hold, I wouldn’t recommend swapping out your vitamin D supplements in favour of this light therapy device, no matter how quick and convenient it appears to be. I also trialled it on a 5am flight to see if it could alleviate that out-of-whack feeling that comes with an early plane journey. I wasn’t traversing any time zones so cannot comment on its ability to cure jet lag, but I certainly didn’t feel any peppier – at least until I’d had my double macchiato.
Frustrated, I decided to do a little digging into the science behind the HumanCharger. The website cites (plentiful) research but I was unable to find any from sources outside the organisation. Independent quotes weren’t available, I was told, but I was provided with statements. Juuso Nissilä, the cofounder of Valkee, which makes the HumanCharger, said: “HumanCharger is the most significant invention since it was discovered that people need light to rhythm their daily lives.” And according to Jari Karhu PhD, a specialist in clinical neurophysiology and Valkee’s chief medical advisor: “The body of evidence proves that bright light transmitted through the ear canal stimulates brain activity and is capable of increasing cognitive performance in clinically significant amount.”
Those I spoke to outside the organisation were more wary. Dr Clare Morrison, a GP and medical advisor at MedExpress, admitted she had never come across a device like this but said: “I’m very sceptical about how this device can do what it claims to do. It is true that the body is sensitive to light, and that, in some situations, natural sunlight or bright artificial light, can boost one’s mood and energy levels.” However, she added: “As far as I am aware, light therapy would only work if the light was applied to the eyes, rather than the ears.”
Psychotherapist Helena Lewis tells me that for the management of SAD, light therapy is only part of the solution. “Light therapy can be incredibly beneficial, but it is artificial. We need to find a balance between using light therapy and artificial solutions, and not destroying our natural rhythms.” She added: “Taking vitamin D, exercising and maintaining a healthy diet are all far superior, effective ways of keeping SAD symptoms at bay.”
For £175, perhaps you’re better off saving for that flight to Bondi, after all.
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It was three years ago when Patrick Ta’s life-changing journey began. While still working full-time as a makeup artist for top celebrities like Gigi Hadid, Adriana Lima, and Joan Smalls, he made his dream of launching a makeup brand a reality: Patrick Ta Beauty, a four-product range called Major Glow rolled out at US beauty store Sephora this spring.
It all ended with a massive LA launch party set to punctuate what he expected to be the biggest week of his life. Instead, it left him feeling isolated from the people that mattered most to him. “I didn’t get to really live in the moment,” Ta explained to me while thinking back to the launch party. “I went home that night and thought, ‘What just happened?’.”
Most of us would likely assume that achieving your wildest professional dreams would make anyone insanely happy — especially when it’s as sought after as becoming a celebrity makeup artist and founding your own cosmetics brand all before turning 30. Still, Ta says he walked away from his first launch feeling the opposite. “I got so much love from all of my friends, family, and clients that I felt so supported, but I also felt empty,” he says.
Ta isn’t alone. According to experts, expecting to reach long-lasting happiness after a big work accomplishment is called arrival fallacy, a term coined by Harvard-trained positive psychology expert Tal Ben-Shahar. He says that true happiness comes from nurturing our personal relationships, which Ta says he had all but paused.
“I got so much love from all of my friends, family, and clients that I felt so supported, but I also felt empty…”
Patrick Ta, celebrity makeup artist
It didn’t help that everyone around him also thought he should be elated at his accomplishment. “People think you’re so successful, but it takes a lot of work and it’s a lot of pressure,” he says. “When you have your identity and investors, there’s this pressure that you build within yourself that you have to sell out…it’s really nerve-racking and stressful.”
After the Major Glow launch, Ta decided to go back home to Arizona to reconnect with his hometown friends, who had continuously followed his career journey. “I didn’t really know anything about their lives. I got so caught up in what I was doing, in my own success and doing my own thing,” he says. Ta still recalls missing one of his best friend’s weddings two years ago for a job he swore would shape his career. “Now, I don’t even remember what job it was,” he says.
That’s when he decided to take his happiness into his own hands. Ta finally took time out of his work schedule — the first time in his career — to take a three-week holiday around the world. Reconnecting with family and friends in Arizona, paired with his Eat, Pray, Love-moment, left him inspired to return to work — but this time things would be different.
Patrick with his sister, dad, and mother (left to right).
Ta decided that his next collection would reflect his new outlook on life and celebrate the supportive women surrounding him. “Monochrome Moment is bringing it back to how I’m feeling right now, which is wanting amazing people around me, wanting to do better in my career, and being authentic,” he says.
The new line is vastly different from his first, which was all about glowing, from a highlighting mist to a body oil. This new lineup is a lot more subtle, yet still on-brand for the pro, whose Instagram is packed with monochromatic looks. “When we launched Major Glow, it was all about the red carpet with super-extra, high-glam moments,” he says. “This is me wanting to bring it back to your everyday, real life.”
The names of the products reflect this significance, too. “I really wanted to name these after the woman in my life that have brought me strength, excite me, motivate me, and just make me a better person,” he says. To wit: The Velvet Blush in “She’s Adorable,” a golden peach, is inspired by Hadid, who is both his client and friend.
With his new mindset, Ta looks more refreshed than ever and remains excited for what’s next. “We have a few other launches coming out,” he says. “I just hope that people like [the collection], and see how much like time and work went into it.” And as for his outlook? He has a whole new priority. “Seeing my friends and my family and the time that I have with them, it’s so much more worth it than all the other things.”
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SHANGHAI, CHINA – NOVEMBER 10: (CHINA OUT) Taylor Swift performs live on stage during the 1989 World Tour Live at Mercedes-Benz Arena on November 10, 2015 in Shanghai, China. (Photo by Chen He/Visual China Group via Getty Images)
The most inadvertently bad thing I have ever done on the internet was in 2015, a time when I was naive to the lasting power my own simple words could possess in the comment section of Taylor Swift’s Instagram. She posted an innocuous photo of herself playing guitar on stage, and beneath it, I wrote: “This is the real Taylor’s cell phone! Call it, she answers!” followed by my then-boyfriend’s phone number. (Don’t worry, he was in on the joke. I’m not a monster.) Of course, the texts and calls from Swifties the world over asking if it was, in fact, the real Taylor came rolling in. It was funny for a day. But what I could never have predicted is that the phone continued to ring — for weeks. People, I have learned, pay attention to celebrity comment sections. And as it turns out, their contents reveal a lot more about us as fans than about the celebrities in question.
The comment section of almost any celebrity Instagram post is like a party at 3 a.m. once they turn on all the lights and there’s a half-eaten cake on the floor: a cornucopia of dripping thirst, messy bros who want to punch stuff, and drunk girls who have declared themselves best friends despite having just met in the bathroom line. Which is to say, it’s fun to hang out there. The imagined intimacy between all parties — celebrity and disciple, troll and stan — leaves much to be analysed: Who are the laypeople among us commenting on celebrity Instagrams and DM-ing them, and what drives them to do it? Why do people I know comment single fire emojis beneath Busy Philipps’s holiday selfies? I posed the question on Twitter, and the responses came back in droves.
“Instagram makes me feel closer to celebs because you see so much of their lives documented. I know so much of it is a show, but I definitely feel a greater sense of ‘connection’ to celebrities who are on Instagram than those who aren’t (a la J. Law),” Meghan, a 26-year-old marketing manager who often DMs the men of the Bachelor universe, tells me via DM.
“Ideally, it’d be the dream if they saw my DM, looked at my profile, and then thought I was just the girl they were looking for. I assume they won’t see my DMs, but every time there is a little sliver of hope that maybe *this* time will work and kickstart my love story.”
My coworker told me of a time a few years ago when she unabashedly commented “I had a sex dream about you last night” on one of Pete Davidson’s Instagram photos.
My coworker told me of a time a few years ago when she unabashedly commented “I had a sex dream about you last night” on one of Pete Davidson’s Instagram photos, which her brother immediately discovered, screenshotted, and called her out on. While she felt embarrassed by the exposure — she didn’t know that her comment would be so easily visible to the people who followed her — she didn’t delete it, because she did have a sex dream about Pete Davidson, and she still wanted him to know.
Another such response I got was from Christina, a 25-year-old student who showed me a screenshot of her drunk DM to Timothée Chalamet, which she first followed up to him with an apology blaming her behaviour on a strong Aperol spritz, and then rounded out with a compliment on how good he looks in the Little Women trailer (very good).
Of course, while this unprecedented accessibility affords us the opportunity to slide right on into any celeb’s DMs, it also provides a prime pranking environment. Andrew, a 26-year-old in the entertainment industry, told me that his favourite platform on Instagram is Live, where he often comments ridiculous things with the hope that the celebrity hosting the Live story will recite them out loud.
“I think it’s funny to make up a funny name and try to get them to say it. So I’ll get, like, a cast member on Are You the One? to say ‘Hi Jabooly, hope you feel better.'” Andrew also pulled a stunt, not unlike my Taylor Swift comment, where he wrote, “Hey Justin, see you on set tonight” on Justin Bieber’s photo, and in return, got many teen followers who then DM-ed him asking: “Hi sir, do you really know Justin?”
No matter your motive — whether to entrap additional followers through trollery, bathe the object of your desire in thirst, or gas up Busy Philipps for her post-vacation glow, he synthesises all of these behaviours by stating simply: “If you comment on an Instagram, it’s to be seen.”
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Warning: This post contains spoilers for Find Me, the sequel to Call Me By Your Name.
Stop your chores. Cancel your plans. Put away the distractions, and dive into the things that matter. Because it’s here, my fellow peach eaters: the sequel to Call Me By Your Name. But Find Memight not be what you expected in a follow-up to Elio and Oliver’s story.
Fitting in seamlessly with the rest of Aciman’s oeuvre, Find Me is concerned with bright and unfaded eras of a person’s life, the physics of instant and deep connections, love (without ever saying the word), age gaps, the modern Jewish experience, the Levant, the lessons of Ancient Greece. It’s 268 pages of Aciman’s favourite melody.
What Find Me is not, however, is fan fiction. Fans looking for an easy epilogue to Oliver and Elio’s tale may be disappointed by Aciman’s sequel. Elio’s father, Samuel, is the real star of Find Me — he gets an epic love story of his own in the book’s first section. Elio and Oliver’s names don’t appear for pages and pages.
For the open-minded, though, Find Me will have the same effect as its predecessor. It’s a book that shakes you into asking yourself, “Am I living the right life?”
Aciman embedded a message to all of us CMBYN stans, hoping for another instalment of the sun, sea, and Italy. Oliver tells Elio, “We’re not going to feed off the past, are we? I’ve loved a younger Elio and you a younger me. They’ve made us who we are. Let’s not pretend they never existed, but I don’t want to look back.”
Don’t look back.
What happened at the end of Call Me By Your Name?
Oliver leaves, of course. The movie concludes with Elio weeping by himself in front of a fireplace. But Aciman’s novel has an entire section set 15 years after that summer. Elio visits Oliver at an American university town where he works and lives. By then, Oliver is married with two sons.
They’re a continent removed, and in different life stages, but Elio and Oliver are exactly the same. When they’re together, Oliver and Elio are instantly back on the right track, the right life — not this unsatisfying path they both had taken.
“It would finally dawn on us both that he was more me than I had ever been myself, because when he became me and I became him in bed so many years ago, he was and would forever remain, long after every forked road in life had done its work, my brother, my friend, my father, my son, my husband, my lover, myself,” Elio says.
At the end of the book, they meet up five years later at the house in Italy. Elio’s father has died. They reminisce. And fin.
Find Me, luckily, rewrites this last bit. The book returns to the time before Samuel’s death, and then changes Elio and Oliver’s reunion in Italy.
Come on! What happens in Find Me?
We’ll tell you. But first, a warning to anyone who was put off between Elio and Oliver’s age gap in CMBYN: Find Me book may not be for you. Nearly every couple in Find Me has a significant age gap. In fact, Elio and Oliver — now in their 30s and 40s — are the most “conventional” pairing.
Tempo: Section One
In the first section, Elio’s father Samuel finally experiences the kind of Great Love his son did at the tender age of 17. In Aciman’s universe, emotional intensity is the gift that makes life vivid and meaningful. Sam gets to be a teenager again.
Years prior, Sam and his wife realised that their son, Elio, had been keeping them together. Their lives had diverged. So, they got divorced. Now she’s remarried and living in Northern Italy. He’s living in Florence and is traveling to Rome for a lecture — still obsessed with Ancient Greece, we see.
Sam makes the fateful decision to sit across from a young photographer named Miranda, and so begins a whirlwind tour through emotions. Elio makes a brief appearance in the first section. He and his father are still incredibly close.
Cadenza: Section Two
Finally, onto Elio! At this point, Elio lives in Paris and is working as a professional musician. He meets Michel, a wealthy older man, at a concert – because online dating truly has no place in an Aciman novel, where life’s important moments are all spontaneous.
Cadenza gives a glimpse of what the past two decades have been like for Elio, especially when it comes to dating. He cannot wholly give himself to anyone.
There’s also a classical music-related mystery, for a spice
Capriccio: Section Three
Across the Atlantic, Oliver and his wife, Micol, are leaving New York for the rural university after a year-long fellowship — but not before throwing a going away party. Much to Micol’s confusion, Oliver invites two much-younger acquaintances to the party: His friend from yoga class, Erica, and his friend from university, Paul.
Then, he spends the rest of the evening fantasising about a possible threesome. He does the mental math of courtship. What does a hand here mean? How about that glance? What does it add up to?
At the end, 44-year-old Oliver comes to the conclusion that he’s lived a “dead man’s life” for the past 20 years, and that he needs to find Elio. “We had never really parted and that, regardless of where we were, who we were with, and whatever stood in our way, all he needed when the time was right was simply to come and find me,” Elio later writes of Oliver’s decision.
Where does Find Me leave Elio and Oliver?
Editorial use only. No book cover usage.
Mandatory Credit: Photo by Frenesy Film Co/Sony/Kobal/Shutterstock (9238201s)
Armie Hammer, Timothée Chalamet
“Call Me By Your Name” Film – 2017
Oliver and Elio’s reunion takes place where it must: the coastal house in Italy.
They have company. Sadly, Sam died, but Miranda lives in his house with her and Sam’s 7-year-old son, also named Oliver (after Elio’s Oliver, who had a lasting impact on the Perlman family). Elio’s mom, who can’t live alone because she suffers from dementia, also is there with her caretaker. “I’m sure everyone could hear if you so much as coughed at night,” Elio says of the crowded old house, reframing the entire reading of every sex scene in CMBYN.
Do Elio and Oliver slide right back into the old ways immediately? Not quite. They’re, uh, awkward together. “We knew things were going to be different but we couldn’t quite grasp the wish to rush headlong into what we’d once had years before we could stir our reluctance to be in bed together,” Elio says. Oliver hadn’t been with a man since Elio, which adds to his nervousness. Eventually, it happens — no mention of peaches.
The next day at breakfast, Oliver and Elio decide Little Ollie, is their son (meaning it’s as if he was created for them to raise, even though they were not involved in his conception). Miranda, Ollie’s mother, is not consulted on the matter.
At the end of the book, Oliver and Elio are on a three-week tour of the Mediterranean. They’ve just arrived in Alexandria, the Egyptian city where Aciman grew up. Importantly, they stop at the home of C.P. Cavafy, a famous Alexandrian poet of Greek descent.
Cavafy would probably have a lot to say to Elio and Oliver. As a gay man in the early 20th century, Cavafy was unable to live and love openly. His thematic obsessions complement the ones found in Find Me: memory, exile from the past, lives that went un-lived. Elio mentions his poem “The Afternoon Sun,” in which Cavafy describes a room he once occupied with a lover. The room has changed, but Cavafy can feel the emotional reverberations of his memories, as if only he can see the real room.
Oliver and Elio have that kind of x-ray vision, too: Every room in the Italian villa houses a memory of that long-ago summer. However, Oliver insists that they look forward into the future. Unlike Cavafy, who died alone, they have the privilege of having a future together.
At the end of Find Me, Oliver and Elio are honeymooning in their new life together. The right life. May we all find ours.
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Calling all vintage obsessives: Vestiaire Collective, the leading luxury resale site (and the platform credited with reviving the secondhand fashion market) has announced its first permanent space. After hosting a two-week pop-up shop in Selfridges back in October 2018, the French brand is now moving in for good, representing a collaborative and long-term mission with the British department store: “To make circular fashion the retail standard.”
Opening today, 30th October, the boutique also marks Vestiaire’s 10th anniversary. Excitingly, vintage and secondhand lovers will be able to both buy and sell pre-owned pieces. The first edit of 200 items – which will be available to buy in store and online at Selfridges – includes 10 rare finds, which Vestiaire sourced specifically for the launch, including original Paco Rabanne and vintage Versace. From a Margiela Fragile bag to a Tom Ford for Gucci red velvet suit, it’ll be a race to bag some of the most wanted vintage pieces.
For the past decade Vestiaire has led the way in changing both customers’ and the industry’s approach to responsible fashion. Working to close the circular loop by extending the life of clothing (an additional nine months of wear, their research has found, reduces an item’s carbon, waste and water footprint by 20-30% each), they’ve reframed the way we think about our wardrobes and the life cycle of our clothes.
“Marking Vestiaire Collective’s 10th birthday, this innovative partnership with Selfridges London celebrates a pivotal moment for resale and the retail industry,” Max Bittner, Vestiaire Collective’s CEO commented on the launch. “Responding to changes within the consumer landscape, this partnership aims to raise awareness of the importance of circular fashion in order to drive positive long-lasting change in the fashion ecosystem.”
Here’s to secondhand gems and making shopping sustainably all the more fabulous.
The permanent boutique space launches 30th October in the Designer Studio on 3, Selfridges London, and online.
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NEW YORK, NEW YORK – OCTOBER 24: Kim Kardashian attends KKW Beauty launch at ULTA Beauty on October 24, 2019 in New York City. (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for ULTA Beauty / KKW Beauty)
It seems like before you can even get your hands on the latest sell-out launch from the Kardashian-Jenner clan, the sisters are already planning ahead for their next big business. Case in point: Kim Kardashian‘s next move. Just as she’s expanding her KKW Beauty empire to retail stores and launching her Skims undergarments, she’s confirming her interest in the skin-care category.
“I’d love to [launch skin care],” she tells Refinery29 during an interview for the launch of KKW Beauty at Ulta Beauty. “I’m obsessed with skin care. I test so many products, and I love to try so many different facials.” While she doesn’t have any trademarksunder her name for the category quite yet, she did include skin and body care in the trademarking for her fourth child’s name “Psalm West.” This past May, she filed this trademark protection that included a variety of listed products like lotions, cleansers, serums, and facial oils. Maybe this line will be named after her youngest son?
Whatever the name, it’ll be easy for the makeup mogul to find inspiration, as she’s surrounded by industry pros. Her youngest sister, Kylie Jenner, entered that market this past May with Kylie Skin. And the sisters are known to talk about skin care in their group chat, according to KKW. “Anytime we see something like a crazy facial, we always put it on the group chat,” she reveals — and as for trying specific products: “We do more of those reviews in person.”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – OCTOBER 24: Kim Kardashian attends as KKW Beauty launches at ULTA Beauty on October 24, 2019 in New York City. (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for ULTA Beauty / KKW Beauty)
While Kardashian West didn’t spill any details on what her skin-care line would include, we’d guess that it will likely be products that work well with her psoriasis.She has publicly battled chronic psoriasis since 2010, including sharing the treatments that have worked for her to ease the symptoms, like an at-home light-therapy device to ointments. There’s also a high chance she’ll include her current favourite product: thick moisturisers. “I have dry skin, so I really love [heavy moisturisers], especially when I’m traveling,” she tells us.
Whether this skin-care line will come to be or not, Kardashian West still has lots to celebrate at the moment with KKW Beauty entering all Ulta Beauty stores in the US this month. Before we know it, she could be hitting the skin-care aisles, too.
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Imagine you’re asleep next to your partner. But in the middle of the night, you wake up. You notice they’re facing away from you in bed, staring at their phone and smiling. A five-line response comes back. It’s from their ex. That’s right: they’ve been texting their ex all night.
If you’re anything like me (and I’m a jealous, possessive Scorpio, to be fair), you wouldn’t be happy. You might consider this cheating, even though it’s not physical. The text exchange could be harmless, but depending on what they’re chatting about, or how this chat is making them (or you) feel, you might consider it an emotional affair.
Psychology Today defines an emotional affair as “a relationship where the level of emotional intimacy is excessive and where the level of emotion invested in someone outside of the marriage infringes upon the intimacy between spouses or committed partners.” Importantly, it affects your relationship: “This extramarital emotional involvement replaces a couples’ intimacy and obviously, may drive a wedge between partners. This in turn, may very well create distance and a feeling of separation, alienation, and loneliness.”
Emotional affairs can be just as devastating as physical affairs. “In fact, these can be very intense relationships that can have a lot more damaging effects on the primary relationship than a sexual affair could,” Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a premarital and marital therapist in NYC, previously told Refinery29.
Every relationship has different boundaries. Some people consider flirting cheating. Some people in open relationships are fine with their partners having sex with others, as long as they’re not emotionally involved. And some people in polyamorous relationships are fine with their partners dating and falling for others, but want to be kept informed. While it will vary depending on your specific situation, here are some common warning signs of an emotional affair.
You’re keeping information from your partner
If you instinctively keep information about interactions with a friend or crush from your partner, that’s a warning sign. “It’s not that you necessarily need to be telling your partner everything, like that you ran into an old friend on the street,” Fitzpatrick said. “But when you’re making the active decision to keep something from them, because you think they might have a negative reaction, then that points to a problem.”
You don’t mention your partner to your crush
Similarly, if you never mention your partner to your crush, that’s not a great sign, either. Basically, if you’re keeping secrets, something is up — even if you might not have realised it yet.
You’re not prioritising your relationship
If you’re putting more energy into your relationship with your crush than your relationship with your partner, it’s time to reassess. And if your partner seems like they’re putting more energy into a new friendship, you might want to talk to them about it.
You’re texting or messaging the other person… all the time
The rise of social media and dating apps have made emotional affairs much easier. It’s simpler than ever to friend an old flame on Facebook, and you can text someone all day (and all night) without your partner knowing.
You know it’s different from a friendship
You probably text your best friend often, maybe even more than your partner. That doesn’t mean you’re having an emotional affair with your BFF. When it’s an emotional affair, something just feels different, even if you can’t describe exactly what it is.
Something just feels “off”
According to Psychology Today, when an emotional affair is going on, “it’s no surprise that a person who has shared a certain degree of connection and intimacy with their spouse suddenly realises that something just doesn’t feel right any longer. They may literally feel their partner pulling away from them, feel a partner’s preoccupation with something (someone) else, and may find it hard or impossible to connect intimately in the same way they once did.” Listen to your gut reaction and consider if you need to set some boundaries with your crush — or even come clean to your partner.
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Whether you first learned about it through Toby Flenderson from The Office or a friend who went from clean-shaven on Halloween to a full beard by Thanksgiving, Movember has been around for over a decade. The charitable movement, which encourages men to grow facial hair throughout the month to raise awareness and funds for prostate cancer research, has only grown bigger and more impactful with the rise of social media.
With all the stigma surrounding women and body hair since, well, forever, female-identifying people have generally been left out of the Movember conversation — until now. Billie, the shaving brand that created the first-ever women’s razor campaign to show people actually shaving, has a brand new initiative that reminds everyone that women have upper lip hair, too.
Starting today, the company is doing its part to welcome women into the Movember movement with a video that normalises facial hair. In the clip, women are seen showing the great lengths to which we go to remove our ‘staches, from waxing to laser, and call on women to embrace them instead. “‘Cause a ‘stache is a ‘stache, and we shouldn’t let our perfectly good ones go to waste,” the women in the video say.
Billie is also walking the walk by matching 100% of contributions up to $50,000 to be donated to the Movember Foundation, which supports projects focused on prostate cancer, testicular cancer, mental health, and suicide prevention for men. The organisation behind Movember already calls on its “Mo Sisters” to rally by encouraging conversation and fundraising, but it hasn’t encouraged women to participate by growing their own hair. Billie’s campaign is the first to do exactly that.
“Women are just opting to keep their hair, similar to how a man might like to shave his beard or not,” Billie co-founder Georgina Gooley previously told Refinery29. “As we see more of this imagery, and as society becomes more accepting that the choice shouldn’t be imposed on women, hopefully we see all types of body hair and it’ll get to a point where, whether you see it or not, you won’t be raising your eyebrows.” And what better reason than charity to let your facial hair grow wild and free?
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